This Blog.

Became a too personal thing. And I have decided to not be so open anymore. Most of the things I share are things nobody should care about...And if they do they can like, ask?

I may just review anime and post some of my simfiles here. Rarely...
Because I'm kinda trying to get better at reviews I'll be posting them at MAL again instead...

So that just leaves my simfiles, eh?

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #32 - The Innocent Murderer

Title is a quite a oxymoron. But it's really related to what I realise today.
It's been over half a year since my former boyfriend passed away. At this point, most of my feelings (of love) towards him are buried. I wouldn't say lost, but buried deep inside - I have moved on, afterall. He wouldn't like me mourning all the time anyway.
So I have been drawing a picture today, listening to a lovely song and trying to crack the lyrics. Suddenly I space out and start thinking - how would I handle the situation now? Considering him rather as a friend than a boyfriend, I realise, now I'd tell him to let the community side for a longer time, rather not contact me so much, and let in a complete recovery - just what his best friend suggested me! My eyes started to tear up, I wanted to facepalm so hard, all that was in the way were my feelings - nobody knew him well enough to tell beside his best friend and I had my dumb feelings in the way. The feelings that are buried now, we could be together later on, when he was okay already.
I can't even explain this. It's like I'm the cause of his life vanishing indeed. Or more like - not me, but the feelings I kept. While I had no bad intention whatosever - I believed that way was correct, I can't be taken as guilty. That explains the oxymoron well for today.
Sheesh - I hope his spirit's not lost forever as atheism claims. That would honestly make me feel horrible...
Time to headbang on something...

KandaRainbowsoul's Mobile Journal 01 >> His last will, theories and open questions

"He might've became a god, after all. The unforgettable kindness of his might've been a surreal one" I'm writing this with tears in my eyes as my current boyfriend hit a resounding strum. I'm seeing another view of that event now... My former decided to go because he didn't believe in himself making me happy. He rather stepped back into the afterlife because I was clingy and couldn't understand. It was the fault of me back then, should've either been less shy or not go into it at all... Might've been just a bad falldown though - but one cannot cry over spilled milk forever, even if it was the most precious milk you ever drank and none will taste as good. I still believe in an afterlife meeting though, I also think my former would actually understand and let my current stay in a tri-ship. What laws are there in heaven? I shan't forget, so as long as I don't, you two both can stay mine... Now just to battle my terrible mental situation...

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #31 - You just won the Baka award.

Two days ago, I got overdepressed due to a misunderstanding and left a message in the guy's Skype IMs, that I actually liked him a bit, not as much as my former BF though, with some depressed blabbers. The feelings I had for him somehow increased right the day after, but he started acting like a total idiot. Turns out he somehow evoked a misunderstanding by not replying properly, from which I cut myself and attempted to strangle myself at night. Then he went like "I don't understand anything of you" and refused to talk. Then as he readded me to the VM chat, he just casually went bragging about two other girls on VM and coupled himself with them, which got me even more mad. Eventually, on Dragon Saga, he was pretending like nothing happened so I got terribly mad and raged in the F7 party I was in. They also got he's acting totally dumb, although I haven't even told them about the confession. In the end, after some swift argument he logged off while I kept my ass online long after my bedtime, causing me trouble of course, and then when I rampaged on him in the staff chat, he went like "better take a break off the computer...don't expect me on in the next day-2days", This guy is just freaking dumb... ==

Anyway, I woke up to the feeling that my whole left shoulder/heart/scapula area hurts for no reason, but I think I can blame just this guy. ARGH!!!

If my past beloved were to still consider myself less worthy than this guy, I'd slap him without hestitation. I can't slap him strongly because I love him the most, despite that he passed away, but saying he's less worthy than this guy is just... 

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #30 - Questionable Bonds, Illusions and the Truths

"Let's be all honest here, you aren't my friends."
I heard these words recently from someone I considered my friend in the Vocamania Staff Chat. Even though he said that, I don't take it as a pain to the heart, however, it stayed ripped in my mind, with the coyote after it. Why?
The person turned out to be internet-skeptic after some damage done...?? Or maybe he's just found the truth. I might've been really wrong in the past. You can't be real friends or even further with someone through the internet. I'm just thinking that...
I image our community as an anime, and our moments as fragments of "reality". True, we're all part of the real world, although we have never even met. True, we have all become really close. But is this right? I do want to spend time with my friends, but do I really feel less lonely? I feel like a computer-addict again, and my loneliness isn't helped. When you feel helpless after such a loss, you start to realise and doubt everything.

My former...I cannot deny my feelings for him. I cannot deny I can't feel more for someone else. Maybe he felt similarily about the internet already, and that was my mistake by wanting to get together with him. Maybe I should have let him go and get real when I still wasn't standing in the waterfall of joy. I cannot deny the relationship was amazing. I cannot deny we both loved each other. But sometimes the word "impossible" should indeed engrave. In that case, that person I started to detest because of the theories that seemed so distant, yet did legit damage...he was right all along. I'm therefore a terrible and terribly mistaken person. And I want to apologize somehow... I want to apologize to the person I love and to the person I detested for not a proper reason whatosever.
But to the detested person I'm unforgiveable. No matter how much you try, if you look at it from such eyes, you cannot be forgiven for such a mistake.
And the loved person I cannot reach, and there's a good chance I won't reach anymore. I want to reach him again. I want to know the real truth. After all, I might be wrong on my self-accusations. Many people will tell me I definitely am, but in the true light, really? He might've stopped being suicidal if I met him in reality then going this way. He might've found another girl and similar progress if I let him go back then.
The girl I talked to about a week ago, she couldn't stop thinking about him after realising the matter! I'm quite sure he could've meant more to her than just a friend. Maybe it wouldn't go this bad. Maybe...
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe this decease was never meant to happen but something slipped on his side and it turned into eternal despair for me. Maybe I'm actually lying in a comatose and this is never happening.
I'm not sure anymore about anything. So many questions are left unanswered. I just want to breakdown, cry, and then quietly disappear.

Once you lose something, you realise the true value it had for you...
Then you're full of regrets that there are some things you could've done sooner...

Now it's too late to change anything...

My sad story continues with a dead end.
Time has passed, wounds have gotten smaller, but they're leaving scars as if they've never properly healed. I got too much into a game and with that I became really close to a person that I knew before and liked me before, but I'm afraid he's no longer interested in me. Although after today, from a joke I pretended to not get, I saw a dim light of hope. But I can't hope for anything. As I mentioned in the past article, there are 3 outcomes of this, all of which frustrate me. My point is I want to spend time with him. I feel sad if he's not on or doesn't want to talk to me. And I do realise one day he might disappear with another girl. I'll be sad then. Or the other two outcomes, they also frustrate me, as for one limits him for eternity or atleast until I die, second could break his poor heart later on, if the afterlife does exist, or if my former lover were to miraclously appear alive after the time, which is like high-unlikely but in the corner of my heart I still believe that because I want to be with him again.

See how ridiculous I am.

Turn back time please. Turn it back.
Tell me what can I fix so we'll be together.
Or atleast, so I can make sure he leads a happy life. A life.

I'm a highly emotion-biased person. I don't follow any logic when choosing a partner, not looks, not personality, not knowledge. When the spark flies, it flies. Usually it flies when I spend much time or a person falls higly sympathic to me. If that comes to, I can remain loyal for the rest of the life, or could, with my former...?? I don't even know myself anymore. I can't feel the sparks in my eyes since he passed away. I feel like I could smile much brighter, now all my smiles feel so dull and fake.

I feel like crying right now...
Everything feels like an illusion that could break apart.
I'm not sure if it's the coma one...or the internet one...or just a feeling of my imagination.

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #29 - No happy way out?!

Turns out I managed to like someone very much again, but it's nowhere near my passed away beloved's level. Therefore it's a problem that has no happy way out. I still love my late boyfriend a good amount, yet the image of those days turns out vague. Yet if I were to hear that he's alive, if I were to see him, be it in heaven, hell, earth, neverland, space, wherever, I'm pretty sure my feelings for him would awaken in the level that they were before, meaning this guy I like a lot right now would stand no chance.
To explain better...
I know he had a crush on me, I had to reject him in the past, and I don't know if he still likes me now (probably not). I don't know him IRL either. There are a few possible outcomes outta this.
First is he gets me into a relationship - I'd feel bad because after death or if I were to see my former again, I'd leave him alone, breaking his poor heart.
Second is he will leave me alone/eventually finds another girl - I'd feel bad because I want him to spend time with me and feel lonely.
Third is he'll stay with me, but in no relationship, just forever single - I'd feel bad that he's stuck with me and cannot move on to a better life.

Well, this is screwed.

I wonder if the certain mentioned person is reading this.

But still, it is screwity screwed.

If only my former could come alive back ;_;

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #28 - Resounding in illusions

I've regained some sense into living, but it's nothing good. I still find this world surreal without him. It just isn't right like this. I swing from the mood when I'm relatively okay and think he might come back after all, or I'm actually the one lying right now in a hospital in a deep coma, and this is all a mere realistic illusion like my current dreams are, through the I should move on or do something wallbreaking to make our stay in heaven happier, to the depressive - he's not coming back, I can't do anything, life's going to suck just more and more and I should die. Usually I just relax on playing some games and completely escape from reality, but the fact that he's gone cannot be escaped upon. It just hurts.

Today on fifth period I got a severe headache. My brain nearly shut down there, on chemistry I was really sleepy in a strange way. The headache carried on echoing as I went for lunch. I had to eat something because my mom'll be away for the weekend and a few more days, and my father isn't a good cook, speaking of which I refuse to eat his food.
So I sat at the sushi bar, and then I heard that famous song, Angels by Morandi. I heard it in the morning in the bus too, and I started thinking it might be a subliminal message of sorts.

"People stop fighting
Angels are crying
We can be better
Love is the answer" 

Angels... He's an angel now, isn't he? Maybe he's really crying up there in that group. Maybe there IS a god, but he's powerless and can't do anything right now. And that's why the world's left so freely. I don't believe in fate, as I'm sure you can change your own life as you desire to if you really want. Things COULD have ended differently if I made different choices, I know. There are some I regret, and there are some that could keep him alive. Now that I look back, I see them and it frustrates me that I haven't done them.
But yeah, angels crying, the world needs love in my opinion. I've heard that that opinion is retarded, too, that emotions are unnecessary and make us weak, and we should just have fun, no love, no hatred, nothing. Such a world just feels like an endless routine for me, and I hate routines. What can you do if you don't love or hate anything? That would make people a bunch of even grey mass, no one's special, even if they were different personality-wise. Life would have no point, not like mine has any point right now.

Or it may... if my beloved's really crying in heaven/afterlife/something, and god is really powerless, I should maybe do something regarding the world situation. I don't know whether a commoner like me can do anything, but I definitely do disagree with how the world is looking like now.

Or something else may happen...
Or nothing at all...
Maybe they are right and emotions are a burden and there's not even an afterlife...
But I don't wanna believe that, such a thought is just frustrating.

At the very least, I think, people atleast reincarnate if nothing else. It's too hard to believe death is the end of everything. Then again these theories are hard to explain, nothing's proven and science is still too raw. And maybe something we may think is utter bullshit today may be true in a few years.

We're not that far from the history we came from

Anyway, the headache made me an illusion later today. There was some cute asian guy on the bus stop. I was just busy with my thoughts and fighting the resounding headache. Then I saw him and that thought just crossed my mind, you may call me a retard or bitchslap me right now, but WHAT IF IT IS SECRETLY MY BELOVED? I didn't get to meet him once, and I'm bad at determining real-life appearance from photos. Usually people look less pretty on photos than IRL, because many are unphotogenic. So I tried to stand next to him, looking around disoriented...Now here comes the strange part: I heard a voice say "Hey." I looked around and didn't see anything strange. Now that I recall, the asian might've been looking at me, but I DOUBT now it was my beloved, but my memories now became quite hazy. So then I went to the bus, I was peeking at that guy a few times but then I stopped, and nearly cried. I thought "WTF is my brain doing for drugs?" and travelled home. At home I was just so headached I layed down into bed and slept till recently.

Another thing that bothers me that some of my dreams seem as real as reality. This is getting weird indeed, especially that my real-life memories are getting hazy as well as the dream. Maybe I'm really in a coma and this is all an illusion...everything...

Maybe that's life... We're already dead somewhere... Which means we might be dead before that....Which means we never existed to begin with and we're having an illusion.

Can I become certain of it and make it a lucid dream? Can I revive him and be with him then?

The headache swiftly shouts a few notes of pain.