KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #32 - The Innocent Murderer

Title is a quite a oxymoron. But it's really related to what I realise today.
It's been over half a year since my former boyfriend passed away. At this point, most of my feelings (of love) towards him are buried. I wouldn't say lost, but buried deep inside - I have moved on, afterall. He wouldn't like me mourning all the time anyway.
So I have been drawing a picture today, listening to a lovely song and trying to crack the lyrics. Suddenly I space out and start thinking - how would I handle the situation now? Considering him rather as a friend than a boyfriend, I realise, now I'd tell him to let the community side for a longer time, rather not contact me so much, and let in a complete recovery - just what his best friend suggested me! My eyes started to tear up, I wanted to facepalm so hard, all that was in the way were my feelings - nobody knew him well enough to tell beside his best friend and I had my dumb feelings in the way. The feelings that are buried now, we could be together later on, when he was okay already.
I can't even explain this. It's like I'm the cause of his life vanishing indeed. Or more like - not me, but the feelings I kept. While I had no bad intention whatosever - I believed that way was correct, I can't be taken as guilty. That explains the oxymoron well for today.
Sheesh - I hope his spirit's not lost forever as atheism claims. That would honestly make me feel horrible...
Time to headbang on something...

KandaRainbowsoul's Mobile Journal 01 >> His last will, theories and open questions

"He might've became a god, after all. The unforgettable kindness of his might've been a surreal one" I'm writing this with tears in my eyes as my current boyfriend hit a resounding strum. I'm seeing another view of that event now... My former decided to go because he didn't believe in himself making me happy. He rather stepped back into the afterlife because I was clingy and couldn't understand. It was the fault of me back then, should've either been less shy or not go into it at all... Might've been just a bad falldown though - but one cannot cry over spilled milk forever, even if it was the most precious milk you ever drank and none will taste as good. I still believe in an afterlife meeting though, I also think my former would actually understand and let my current stay in a tri-ship. What laws are there in heaven? I shan't forget, so as long as I don't, you two both can stay mine... Now just to battle my terrible mental situation...

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #31 - You just won the Baka award.

Two days ago, I got overdepressed due to a misunderstanding and left a message in the guy's Skype IMs, that I actually liked him a bit, not as much as my former BF though, with some depressed blabbers. The feelings I had for him somehow increased right the day after, but he started acting like a total idiot. Turns out he somehow evoked a misunderstanding by not replying properly, from which I cut myself and attempted to strangle myself at night. Then he went like "I don't understand anything of you" and refused to talk. Then as he readded me to the VM chat, he just casually went bragging about two other girls on VM and coupled himself with them, which got me even more mad. Eventually, on Dragon Saga, he was pretending like nothing happened so I got terribly mad and raged in the F7 party I was in. They also got he's acting totally dumb, although I haven't even told them about the confession. In the end, after some swift argument he logged off while I kept my ass online long after my bedtime, causing me trouble of course, and then when I rampaged on him in the staff chat, he went like "better take a break off the computer...don't expect me on in the next day-2days", This guy is just freaking dumb... ==

Anyway, I woke up to the feeling that my whole left shoulder/heart/scapula area hurts for no reason, but I think I can blame just this guy. ARGH!!!

If my past beloved were to still consider myself less worthy than this guy, I'd slap him without hestitation. I can't slap him strongly because I love him the most, despite that he passed away, but saying he's less worthy than this guy is just... 

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #30 - Questionable Bonds, Illusions and the Truths

"Let's be all honest here, you aren't my friends."
I heard these words recently from someone I considered my friend in the Vocamania Staff Chat. Even though he said that, I don't take it as a pain to the heart, however, it stayed ripped in my mind, with the coyote after it. Why?
The person turned out to be internet-skeptic after some damage done...?? Or maybe he's just found the truth. I might've been really wrong in the past. You can't be real friends or even further with someone through the internet. I'm just thinking that...
I image our community as an anime, and our moments as fragments of "reality". True, we're all part of the real world, although we have never even met. True, we have all become really close. But is this right? I do want to spend time with my friends, but do I really feel less lonely? I feel like a computer-addict again, and my loneliness isn't helped. When you feel helpless after such a loss, you start to realise and doubt everything.

My former...I cannot deny my feelings for him. I cannot deny I can't feel more for someone else. Maybe he felt similarily about the internet already, and that was my mistake by wanting to get together with him. Maybe I should have let him go and get real when I still wasn't standing in the waterfall of joy. I cannot deny the relationship was amazing. I cannot deny we both loved each other. But sometimes the word "impossible" should indeed engrave. In that case, that person I started to detest because of the theories that seemed so distant, yet did legit damage...he was right all along. I'm therefore a terrible and terribly mistaken person. And I want to apologize somehow... I want to apologize to the person I love and to the person I detested for not a proper reason whatosever.
But to the detested person I'm unforgiveable. No matter how much you try, if you look at it from such eyes, you cannot be forgiven for such a mistake.
And the loved person I cannot reach, and there's a good chance I won't reach anymore. I want to reach him again. I want to know the real truth. After all, I might be wrong on my self-accusations. Many people will tell me I definitely am, but in the true light, really? He might've stopped being suicidal if I met him in reality then going this way. He might've found another girl and similar progress if I let him go back then.
The girl I talked to about a week ago, she couldn't stop thinking about him after realising the matter! I'm quite sure he could've meant more to her than just a friend. Maybe it wouldn't go this bad. Maybe...
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe this decease was never meant to happen but something slipped on his side and it turned into eternal despair for me. Maybe I'm actually lying in a comatose and this is never happening.
I'm not sure anymore about anything. So many questions are left unanswered. I just want to breakdown, cry, and then quietly disappear.

Once you lose something, you realise the true value it had for you...
Then you're full of regrets that there are some things you could've done sooner...

Now it's too late to change anything...

My sad story continues with a dead end.
Time has passed, wounds have gotten smaller, but they're leaving scars as if they've never properly healed. I got too much into a game and with that I became really close to a person that I knew before and liked me before, but I'm afraid he's no longer interested in me. Although after today, from a joke I pretended to not get, I saw a dim light of hope. But I can't hope for anything. As I mentioned in the past article, there are 3 outcomes of this, all of which frustrate me. My point is I want to spend time with him. I feel sad if he's not on or doesn't want to talk to me. And I do realise one day he might disappear with another girl. I'll be sad then. Or the other two outcomes, they also frustrate me, as for one limits him for eternity or atleast until I die, second could break his poor heart later on, if the afterlife does exist, or if my former lover were to miraclously appear alive after the time, which is like high-unlikely but in the corner of my heart I still believe that because I want to be with him again.

See how ridiculous I am.

Turn back time please. Turn it back.
Tell me what can I fix so we'll be together.
Or atleast, so I can make sure he leads a happy life. A life.

I'm a highly emotion-biased person. I don't follow any logic when choosing a partner, not looks, not personality, not knowledge. When the spark flies, it flies. Usually it flies when I spend much time or a person falls higly sympathic to me. If that comes to, I can remain loyal for the rest of the life, or could, with my former...?? I don't even know myself anymore. I can't feel the sparks in my eyes since he passed away. I feel like I could smile much brighter, now all my smiles feel so dull and fake.

I feel like crying right now...
Everything feels like an illusion that could break apart.
I'm not sure if it's the coma one...or the internet one...or just a feeling of my imagination.

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #29 - No happy way out?!

Turns out I managed to like someone very much again, but it's nowhere near my passed away beloved's level. Therefore it's a problem that has no happy way out. I still love my late boyfriend a good amount, yet the image of those days turns out vague. Yet if I were to hear that he's alive, if I were to see him, be it in heaven, hell, earth, neverland, space, wherever, I'm pretty sure my feelings for him would awaken in the level that they were before, meaning this guy I like a lot right now would stand no chance.
To explain better...
I know he had a crush on me, I had to reject him in the past, and I don't know if he still likes me now (probably not). I don't know him IRL either. There are a few possible outcomes outta this.
First is he gets me into a relationship - I'd feel bad because after death or if I were to see my former again, I'd leave him alone, breaking his poor heart.
Second is he will leave me alone/eventually finds another girl - I'd feel bad because I want him to spend time with me and feel lonely.
Third is he'll stay with me, but in no relationship, just forever single - I'd feel bad that he's stuck with me and cannot move on to a better life.

Well, this is screwed.

I wonder if the certain mentioned person is reading this.

But still, it is screwity screwed.

If only my former could come alive back ;_;

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #28 - Resounding in illusions

I've regained some sense into living, but it's nothing good. I still find this world surreal without him. It just isn't right like this. I swing from the mood when I'm relatively okay and think he might come back after all, or I'm actually the one lying right now in a hospital in a deep coma, and this is all a mere realistic illusion like my current dreams are, through the I should move on or do something wallbreaking to make our stay in heaven happier, to the depressive - he's not coming back, I can't do anything, life's going to suck just more and more and I should die. Usually I just relax on playing some games and completely escape from reality, but the fact that he's gone cannot be escaped upon. It just hurts.

Today on fifth period I got a severe headache. My brain nearly shut down there, on chemistry I was really sleepy in a strange way. The headache carried on echoing as I went for lunch. I had to eat something because my mom'll be away for the weekend and a few more days, and my father isn't a good cook, speaking of which I refuse to eat his food.
So I sat at the sushi bar, and then I heard that famous song, Angels by Morandi. I heard it in the morning in the bus too, and I started thinking it might be a subliminal message of sorts.

"People stop fighting
Angels are crying
We can be better
Love is the answer" 

Angels... He's an angel now, isn't he? Maybe he's really crying up there in that group. Maybe there IS a god, but he's powerless and can't do anything right now. And that's why the world's left so freely. I don't believe in fate, as I'm sure you can change your own life as you desire to if you really want. Things COULD have ended differently if I made different choices, I know. There are some I regret, and there are some that could keep him alive. Now that I look back, I see them and it frustrates me that I haven't done them.
But yeah, angels crying, the world needs love in my opinion. I've heard that that opinion is retarded, too, that emotions are unnecessary and make us weak, and we should just have fun, no love, no hatred, nothing. Such a world just feels like an endless routine for me, and I hate routines. What can you do if you don't love or hate anything? That would make people a bunch of even grey mass, no one's special, even if they were different personality-wise. Life would have no point, not like mine has any point right now.

Or it may... if my beloved's really crying in heaven/afterlife/something, and god is really powerless, I should maybe do something regarding the world situation. I don't know whether a commoner like me can do anything, but I definitely do disagree with how the world is looking like now.

Or something else may happen...
Or nothing at all...
Maybe they are right and emotions are a burden and there's not even an afterlife...
But I don't wanna believe that, such a thought is just frustrating.

At the very least, I think, people atleast reincarnate if nothing else. It's too hard to believe death is the end of everything. Then again these theories are hard to explain, nothing's proven and science is still too raw. And maybe something we may think is utter bullshit today may be true in a few years.

We're not that far from the history we came from

Anyway, the headache made me an illusion later today. There was some cute asian guy on the bus stop. I was just busy with my thoughts and fighting the resounding headache. Then I saw him and that thought just crossed my mind, you may call me a retard or bitchslap me right now, but WHAT IF IT IS SECRETLY MY BELOVED? I didn't get to meet him once, and I'm bad at determining real-life appearance from photos. Usually people look less pretty on photos than IRL, because many are unphotogenic. So I tried to stand next to him, looking around disoriented...Now here comes the strange part: I heard a voice say "Hey." I looked around and didn't see anything strange. Now that I recall, the asian might've been looking at me, but I DOUBT now it was my beloved, but my memories now became quite hazy. So then I went to the bus, I was peeking at that guy a few times but then I stopped, and nearly cried. I thought "WTF is my brain doing for drugs?" and travelled home. At home I was just so headached I layed down into bed and slept till recently.

Another thing that bothers me that some of my dreams seem as real as reality. This is getting weird indeed, especially that my real-life memories are getting hazy as well as the dream. Maybe I'm really in a coma and this is all an illusion...everything...

Maybe that's life... We're already dead somewhere... Which means we might be dead before that....Which means we never existed to begin with and we're having an illusion.

Can I become certain of it and make it a lucid dream? Can I revive him and be with him then?

The headache swiftly shouts a few notes of pain. 

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #27 - A lookback.

Since I'm tired of everything, and I don't want to live anymore, I wanted to put a flashback on my life on a visible point. I expect to kill myself off soon anyway, without that one significant person life's too painful to take. Also I'm procrastrinating from my english project, which is something I don't want to do... it's a pain in the ass topic too.
When I was just entering high school, since I was entering it sooner, I was leaving something I maybe didn't have to leave. I found friends at my old school, and I lost them the moment I left. I'm not in touch with any of them anymore, except one that wasn't close. It wasn't as lonely and as bad as I thought. When I invited everyone to my birthday party, everyone fell friendly. I still haven't figured out why but I was suddenly welcome.
In high school, I became rather the recluse to the start. But thanks to my kind classroom teacher I've gotten countless chances and just managed to socialize to a point I could've been accepted. I've been a terrible person the whole 1st and possibly 2nd class. I did many regrettable things I'm so sorry for. I also had my first crush on a boy, but I got laughed at as I walked near, and I gave up. I just come to realise he wasn't even worthy.
In 2nd grade I started blogging on blog.cz about anime and stuff, from which in 3rd grade I made a friend, which's closest friendship I destroyed in an incident. I wanted to quit blogging and anime at that point, I'm glad I didn't, it eventually brought me elsewhere. I gave up on guys, I tried going out with girls instead for a while, thinking I was bisexual, however I can't imagine myself doing anything of the lesbian activity. I did fall heavily for a girl once, but that might've been my confusal. And I'll talk about it later.
I first just tried in one holiday, I think it might've been transition to 5th grade already, to get quickly into a relationship because I didn't wanna be alone. I just hooked up with someone outta kindness. I lied terribly to my feelings. I was quite happy when one Tuesday I got a message regarding breakup. I said I also wanted. At that point I already long-since started roleplaying. My first roleplay standpoint was Maid-Gokudera. It turned out a fine roleplay, but when we developed actual relationships, it went just beyond the base roleplay thing for me. I wasn't cut for that, and I fell for my RP partner, nicknamed Mayumi. But she was heterosexual, and it turned out into suffering. One day I decided to clench my teeth and say goodbye to her, moving on.
After some time, I don't know the exact timeflow, I joined Vocamania. It was winter-spring 2011. I was recruited by a Polish pal from SMO on the forums themselves, it went like "shouldn't I already join?" "yes you definitely should!" It was a forum that indeed changed my life drastically.
I was still roleplaying at that point, with someone else. But what I felt this time might've been another lie to myself. I probably just felt jealous and I wanted to RP with her, and considered her my best friend and no one else's. I'm sensitive when it comes to this, I want friends I can be talking to when I walk around, not just a third wheel like I usually am.
But there was one person I really loved, yet it died sooner than it could initiate. It was a mutual love though. One guy that... I prefer to not talk to right now. I'm not gonna set names. He left though because of personal issues, I was sad thinking I'm never gonna see him again and lose myself. I could confess, yet I didn't. If I did, today could've been different, but not a today I wish for. That guy has similar issues than my father, I could've ended up as my mother did if I did that. He fell for another girl, my current best friend. I was able to let him go and my feelings died.
Eventually, I tried to promise that girl from roleplay some stuff, but then another breakdown occured.
2nd January 2012, the guy I currently loved and cared for the most, stronger than any of the other crushes.... I found out about his feelings to me. And many other events, but the result is all that just made me realise.... That I really loved him. I loved him, although for not such a long time at that point, but without realising and I did it well. The other guy, that former crush of mine, tried to stop me, yet I didn't. I wasn't able to let go such a great guy. I broke up my ties with all roleplay communities, I've thought about nothing else but him. I was hoping to be with him for long months, I was hoping for his comeback. Eventually...
30th April 2012, he messaged me on Skype. It was admin-related stuff. I managed to tell him none hate him on VM, I opened up the way to his comeback. We had a long talk, lasted like 4hours without breaks. Didn't even send pics to fill the space. It made me just love him more, seeing we could talk this long without any troubles. I was seeing him on a monthly basis, yet that was okay. I got his new email too.
He once told me he's thinking wishful thoughts about me, I hadn't had a clear picture of what he meant. But I was already okay with anything. I told him it's fine, then I realised I might've told something awkward.
Later he rejoined VM, everyone was smiling, although he wasn't too active at first.
Then I left for my vacation in Malta. Yes it's a very important aspect. I had some paid wifi there, it was weak yet I could talk to many people on Skype. I also saw him on Skype, we talked a few times, something that made me smile. Eventually, one guy that desired to become admin, yes it was my former crush, went to him. My current crush was the founder of VM, and since I loved him so much, and he deserved to know the truth of what happened that day, With that, there had to also come my confession.
10th August 2012, I told him everything. Ranging from the events my former crush told to many people, through what I know, to my feelings. He held a relationship impossible at first, I thought differently but I let it be, staying just friends. We enjoyed an awesome day, and it was the day I stayed up the longest in my life too.
12th-13th August 2012 overnight, a friendship was rendered more impossible than a relationship. It was either, relationship or goodbye, and as I loved him too much to say a goodbye, I went for the relationship. I talked to people for that and all seemed fine. We got together, finally!
Here starts the happiest time of my life.
I enjoyed talking to him on a daily basis, I enjoyed the happiness... The way he handled me I knew he knows me good, and we could totally relate to eachother due to some similar life experiences. Although tests said our personalities were different, I wouldn't say they were at all. Maybe views on life were.

4th September 2012, one of the rare times I went on Skype in the morning. I clearly remembered our last conversation and went to school, all happy. I remember happily walking along the street, listening to Whiteout by Hatsune Miku, thinking I truly have a happy life. It was also the first day of studying at school for me. I wasn't too bothered, I just waited for it to end, so I could come home and later talk to him again.
But I just got involved in massive drama.
The end of summer holidays brought demise.
Since 4th September I haven't seen my lover again, I expected to see him though. Every day I was logging on Skype, I was hoping I'd meet him up again.
I was counting the days he was gone, thinking I'd eventually zero out the counter and talk to him. Even though I had to prepare for the worst.
Which I never took to heart.
4th October 2012, a month has passed since my lover's mysterious disappearance. Just one day ago I sent him my last heartfelt email. I was nearing to giving up all hope, I put it all in the mail. I snuck to facebook this marked day, just to find out...terrible news.
He's no longer alive.
I was just plain sad. I didn't think it REALLY was the case as I was afraid. Just...
Just why...
I realised 4th September was my last, truly happy day. And 4th October was the demise of all my happiness. I can't smile again. I can't feel happy about life again,
No one can replace his spot to such an extent, I come to realise...there's no point in living anymore. Anything else would eventually turn into a stereotype.
I keep asking why.
I keep begging God to tell me either this all to be a lie, or to kill me on the spot.

This world... I don't want it anymore.

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #26 - A devastating end of a relationship

I...never...expected...for things to end like this.
There is just one worse kind of being seperated with your significant other than breakup...
Him dying.

And this happened to me.

Today I found out on Facebook.... he's no longer here.
And I'm breaking apart. This time I cut myself stronger than I ever did. Fortunately it seems not strong enough to actually kill, but pretty sure it will freak out someone.

I'm not even thinking. I'm in despair, shaking from the cold in this room. Pretty sure it's not even that strong as I picture it.
But it's... lonely. The only person I trusted with my life on is forever gone...

God, why are you so cruel? I tried to help people... Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be like this...
Pretty sure I will get yelled at soon.

How should this world run? ....

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #25 - What's following after these days?

I start to lose time, I start to be calm and lose the depressions I kept on having. I held out two days without them. I'm fine. Now I hope it's not a calm before a violent storm which will honestly end my life. It might also be a calm giving me a signal that the awesome days that I've enjoyed throughout the second half of August are going to return. I hope it's the second choice.
I got really mad earlier today. My father locked me out my room and I couldn't access it for 1 hour atleast. But no need to talk about that.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens next.

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #24 - The vague color of emotions

It flashed all to my mind while I was playing osu! today, exactly while I was playing the beatmap of this very nice song. That was the point where I realised some things:
1)Nothing is impossible, and to counter the color-out-of-spectrum argument I know approximately how those colors are displayed to our eyes. You've got to believe and it can happen. If you waver, things may go wrong. That's the way of life.
2) Weaknesses aren't supposed to be accepted, they're supposed to be fought away. (This includes fears/phobias.) I should stop being so lazy and do something about my hold-backness in real life and also my physical condition - I clearly lack some iron and also some exercise.
3) The color of emotions is vague. They can be good, they can be bad. You should learn to control them, or you'll end up with clinical mental disorders. As far from what I experience, the layer between common and clinical isn't that big. A few days ago I was at a state where I desired proffesional help. But I think I can come over my disordered mentality myself. No one else can smash my own problems against the wall and tell them to stop, no matter how close to me (s)he is, no matter how related to them (s)he is (because if it are my thoughts about them, it can easily be repeated unless I do something. And if action from his/her side to problem solving is required, it's no longer just my problem). Clench teeth, get through it. One friend told me a few days ago I should learn to control my emotions, and I thought that'd be too impossible. But then again, read point 1. It's fine to love who your heart chooses for you, it's fine to befriend who you find symphatic. If you really desire something, fight for it, but once you cry how impossible it is, you'll risk never achieveing it. Then again, you can't force others for that. Some patience may be necessary at times.

Then again I forget a lot, I remember stuff I really don't need to remember clearly, but forget stuff I want to not forget. Like spending less time on the computer lol~  

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #23 - The descension of a mentality

Who cares about post frequency? I don't.
I've build up a immunity against someone's manipulative skills. But that's not really a good thing afterall. His manipulation goes like - say what you're doing wrong, minorly depress - impress by portraying how you're awesome - make them be your full supporter - manipulated and done. And...with my immunity I get stuck on the first phase. And what's worse, with my lowered self-esteem, I take it even worse.
So technically speaking, I can't tell the details but he kinda succeeded in making me feel like a murderer for being nice to a person I love. (yes, love, which makes it like 10x worse) What's even worse, the person hasn't been online for several days (6 and counting) while normally we talk everyday. I put highest likelyhood to severe internet issues (since last time I saw him he had unstable connection, or so it seemed...) and hope for the best...
This is such a great case for a permanent depression. My mind's on the decline. Since this morning I have been fighting with all my breaths the urge to kill myself. Now my head hurts from everything. Health-wise I'm not best on it either... And I keep thinking about relevant or less relevant things... This... And also...
Whether I'm worthy as admin. Yes such a repeated story on Vocamania, I nearly quit adminning over four times this year and still am doubting myself. Which bothers me most is when that drama occured and I didn't want to let that manipulative someone who frustrates me a lot be on the staff, because of my current state and because a moderator would surely leave if i were to agree on that. And that moderator is a good friend of mine and I didn't want him to leave. Yet that guy kept forcing it from me, said I took it forcefully from him, and I neither do deserve a post if I decline. He made me feel like the worst person on earth, for this and for that murderer case. And one of my friends noted I sound like a spoiled brat.. I must've. I think it isn't fair either, for my mental state and for one mod... I should've let him. But what can I do? Let this destroy myself, or destroy Vocamania (because of cooperation with me)?

A situation worth of psychiatry lock-up...

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #22 - Dramatic Destruction

Long time since last entry... There was much going on. But that's not the point right now.
I've gone into a state where I can't deny my insomnia. I can't sleep earlier than like 6 AM lately and wake up really late as well. But sometimes such a vast state of the mind is where you think the most. Earlier today, I've experienced drama on the page I admin. It was headaching and a lot of stress. I was told that drama is inevitable by someone who I really care about, but as I was stressed out, I couldn't reply too well.
Because it's true, but not in every case. There are some serious conflicts that can't be solved in other ways than drama, but those aren't small things at all. It must be something of great importance, a good example is fighting for a loved one while there's another guy on the roll.
 And now to the piss off topic - For heck, I wouldn't care if that guy there kept that stupid file in the dropped section. But when he goes all ego about it, of course I'm gonna headache over it. It's disturbing the peace of the forum, people nearly leave. Drama shouldn't be forced, it's driving people insane. When I heard the guy might have intended that, I felt mad at him again.

I'm getting terribly scared. Of the fate of this forum, of the fate of the friends that still trust the guy. He's known to manipulate, I know he hates me now. I don't want to make anymore enemies. And definitely not people I care about. It would break me inside. I still want to fight, because without fighting you'll never achieve anything.

I don't even know what to say. Sometimes I think a sentence I say opposes another sentence I said a while ago. Makes you feel awkward, doesn't it? Makes you insane, doesn't it?

I'm starting to feel horrible from this all, like that guy's going to destroy me.

(If there's anything you want me to edit out, or if you want me to remove this article, message me.)

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #21 - Absence

New journal image btw! Made this a longer while ago, the dimensions are better so I can center my text.
And no I don't play piano.

Joking aside, well...sometimes I think I should completely joking. Incidents of earlier today took me down. I simply felt my jokes just felt plain offensive to everyone and I hated myself from it. In the end my thoughts became reality. I became frustrated and desired for a moment of loneliness.
That just taught me sometimes, some jokes can't be taken well by everyone. So when in doubt, I'll stick to posting it only to people I know that won't take any offense. It makes perfect sense. Just abiding simple examples, as calling someone faggot as a joke would be allright if the person knows you're not even serious. But what if a gay person is near? He'll sure feel offended. Same as making racist jokes near a black person. No matter how good friends you are, these incidents will occur. And they can ruin friendships, too.

It can easily lead to you hating yourself.

A wise meme once said: The less you care, the happier you will be. It's sadly true. If you're selfish and don't care about anything around you, you won't feel down if something happens. Unfortunately I hate being selfish and care a lot, that's why I'm unhappy often. ...is it?

Allen_Kanda's Journal #20 - Swap

I wonder if this starts the registry of stupid things I may do this summer, but I've decided to be awake at night and sleep during the day, because the day just provides hot weather I can't stand being up at. I'll rather sleep it over then take a nice bath and sit here during the night. Still am up at early morning hours....Man, I may just waste another summer completely.
Or I'll just wait till it rains a lot then organise events with my friends...hopefully. I feel a little anxious when I think I've to go to my grandma by the end of the week. I don't want to skip it this time, or I'm afraid I'll offend her for sure. As Vocaloid Collaboration 10 was released not too long ago, I feel like I can slack off for a moment.

Yeah, it got released, and holidays started. I could relax, yet something keeps me at the status of anxiety...

Allen_Kanda's Journal #19 - The Legendary Schoolend...

It's tomorrow.
One more day~
I already got the rose for my teacher, and now for unknown reasons I want to listen to Kagamine Rin's Bloody Rose... Oh well once I'll be bringing this rose to school, I'll know it's all over for two months. Rest assured...
The teacher said we'll be at school for one hour only~! How cool is that? I hope that's right though... Once I'm done I'll take a shower (even if I were to shower today) and maybe go for a stroll outside the yard with my bike (which is pretty broken though...) and hopefully I can visit the aquapark the next day. The weather forecast on my mobile phone said it'll be hot this morning (though not nearly as hot as it said it is in South-East US rofl...rip those temperatures. I hope my friend there has air-con or atleast a fridge to hide into.)

Now to make some jobs for Vocamania and get ready for next day...and maybe watch some anime. and maybe play some games...
maybe even new articles...

Allen_Kanda's Journal #18 - The maddness-driven last nights

I don't know what to say. Just that I can't control what I do anymore. I tend to do ridicullously random things and have ridicullously random thoughts lately, forexample wishing for dozens of earthworms to cover the floor and tickle my feet. Maybe it's common that I want something wild on the last days of school.

One thing that's really bothering me is that someone disappeared without the littlest trace or word nearly a month ago. He didn't even pulse on whatpulse ever since slightly before we last talked and I'm getting worried. If this descriptions fits to you as you're reading this, please write me on skype or atleast pulse on whatpulse, even if it's a hillariously small pulse.

 Aside from all, today I had a pretty good day. Though it got really tiring in the middle. I just slowly advanced back to school, then dragged a heavy bag all the way home. I was thinking I'd ask some strong boy to help me, but it would look ridiculous, beside that I could be bothering. I mean, I rarely talk to the boys in my class except for one. I wish I was more sociable IRL, really... But the first half was nice, I found 1€ randomly in a swing and built a nice sclupture with my friend. We were two in the team, but I think we were considered the best among the judges... But meh, I don't really care that much.

Anyway the past weekend struck me in illness. On Friday I couldn't even sleep because I felt so sick I needed to barf every two hours - disrupted sleep is not too helpful. I was lucky to be able to go on Mangafest atleast on Sunday, but whenever I imagine the horrible results that could've came out if I were to want to go to Prague with my class, it gives me shivers. I still have no idea what the source of my illness was. Possibilities are overheat, period, bad food, but most likely some of them combined.

And I hope to go to Prague anyway this summer...I hope.

After further thinking I don't really want to waste my precious free summer time working. It'll come later... but as I still need money, I want to find my old Barbie and MyScene dolls, with which I played when I was a child, and sell them into new hands. Of course, cheaper than they formerly were and nicely re-styled. I'm thinking about a 50% discount on everything, as they're indeed really old, but I wouldn't call them ancient. I hope they're still quite wanted.

So yeah, this should conclude my report on latest events. My articles get rarer and rarer...

Allen_Kanda's Journal #17 - How to handle tears and summer

Crying is not a sign of weakness or immaturity at all times. But my way of crying at times was weak, even though I don't cry that much. I was holding in tearjerker moments in animes, in songs, just to not seem stupid, yet I was crying in front of my mother when she made me feel sorry for everything. I was pitying myself and that's weak. It's a terribly selfish thing to do, crying over myself but not crying over other's unfortunate fates, even if it's just anime or fictional characters. I was still immature at the core, and I still think I am in some aspects, because one thing that my friend said is verifying its existence.  I will try to not cry anymore at these moments and cry rather at sad anime or sad songs, since that's a nicer thing to do.
And where I got to this? No, no one told me anything.
Remember why small children cry? They forexample hit their knee so it bleeds. If you look at it from the blunt point of view, it hurts. From a broader aspect, actually, they pity themselves because they have to endure such pain. "Why me?" They sure ask themselves. When their friend hurts his knee they never cry, even though they're sure the friend is in pain, as much as they might have experienced in the past. Well children are children, and it's okay for them since they're young.
At my age, though, it's a good choice to mature from that. Or you'll turn out like the people that are all selfish and desire money and nice stuff for themselves and themselves only, which means they never matured. Adolescence is the best age to start thinking more like an adult. It is never too late, but if you don't do it now, you could deal with a bad name later on. After all, adolescents still aren't adults, but it's the phase right before that.
On the other hand, be sure to enjoy your childhood! If you didn't reach the age of 15 yet, I personally even would say 16, it's fine to be a little more selfish and immature to the point it's not annoying. And you can't return to physically be a child, atleast not yet. (reincarnation or scientific progress might change these in the future...)

This day was killing me. At first I felt useless for the event held today, I thought there's nothing I could do and even the little I'd do I'd screw up majorly, but I was glad my class invited me to help out more and in the end I was glad I was able to help atleast a bit to ease my class' work. And I figured I am able to help more, with some graphics job maybe? Though the thing that let the final blow for me was the heat. Hot air is really hard to inhale. Took a nap for 30 minutes straight when I went home, not because I helped (as I said, that actually made me happy) but because the heat got to me.

I still like summer more than winter. Though when it's summer, you'd like a fast cold winter in the midst to cool down, and vice versa. That might probably be the reason why people want the opposite season during the most cold/hot season - it makes perfect sense.

Allen_Kanda's Journal #16 - Panic Attack

Take this lesson of mine and don't write emails at 6AM. Just don't, or you may just end up writing something terribly awkward from which you want to lock yourself in a locker for eternity... The whole Friday and most of Saturday I was like thunderstruck. Still haven't gotten a reply from the person though. Just... *poker face* ...let's hope all goes well....

...when did my domain get converted to .sk? I want to use .com :( Time to fiddle with the settings soon, hopefully it'll get solved. Atleast .com still redirects to my blog.

So I went to check until when can I use my pre-paid ticket. I realised I can still use it fine until 10th June, but then I just casually ran into a ticket control (one that did not ignore me). If I weren't to check my ticket, I would've surely had a panic attack so I'd jump out the window probably.

There is one video of my simfile I think I didn't share. A preview, originally meant for VCP 11 but with some sorcery, which is more unfortunate than fortunate because it involved disqualifying files, it managed to get into VCP 10. It had minor edits during alpha judging, so it may not exactly be as the preview says.

Then again, let me see what tomorrow gives me.

Allen_Kanda's Journal #15 - If boredom reaches acute levels...

The plan for today was a theathre show. Strangely enough, I messed up locations today. Went to the Slovak National Theatre while we had to go to Theatre Arena... Actually, I had no idea where Theatre Arena was, atleast now I know.

So I went to sit there, hoping there'd be atleast something exciting about the show. No, nothing, it bored me so much I slept in there - and I had enough sleep actually... I wasn't able to understand well what's going on. That show has made me a zombie...

Tomorrow I have to go to the zoo to Vienna - which I don't really want to do, since I have to wake up earlier and I come back later than usual ( comeback is said to be half past five ) , and aside from that I've been there a dozen times and it's all walking. Gosh why is it obligatory, can't we have anything else atleast? *Thinks how to persuade her mother to let her skip out* After that, I'll probably be doing the project for the rest of the day, the deadline is 1st June which is Friday.

I wish also good luck to my current favourite MMORPG, Megaten, as it went on emergency mainteanance yesterday and seems to still not have returned, atleast when I last checked. I doubt I'll have any time tomorrow, unless I actually manage to skip out the zoo.

Ah well I don't feel like solving that now, I'll try some stuff in the morning. I'll also try going off earlier today, as I pledged to myself two days ago.

One more thing, I got permission to go to a J-rock concert in Budapest in November, but I have no idea whether:
-I can still get a ticket
-My classmates can pick me up
-I'm actually welcome

I started to feel like butting in, but well I can't express my real intentions in real life as well as I can on the internet. Some things are more the benefit of online life, while some are of offline life.

So how will tomorrow turn out, I wonder?

Allen_Kanda's Journal #14 - Sources of Strength

Today I spent most of my time with people, and I felt really strong then. We worked in groups several times, no one isolated me from the group, and it made me happy. Guess I have a rough picture what was wrong at school till now, Sitting on a place and watching doesn't resolve anything. (Hi Yukki.) If you don't stand up and don't do your stuff, you won't achieve anything. However, you should remain careful and try not to pester. If you're unsure, ask.

Yeah I guess I'm still not a grave case. May I be getting frustrated over illusions...over nothing? Indeed, I spend too much time here on the PC, but then there are two possiblities - 1) I have a strong will to overcome my own burdens, or 2) I may spend much time here, however as long as I realise it, it's not an addiction. I wonder which it may be.

When it comes to will, you sure can raise it! If you feel incontent with something you carry on doing, like always sitting on the PC, not enough exercise, stuff... you can tell suddenly to yourself : "Alright, time to change that" If you go against the flow, believe me, things will change. :) And that's what life is about, no?

Okay enough life theories, time to do something... Maybe some anime will cut it today.

Note to self: Don't you dare to forget about the meetup on Saturday!