KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #28 - Resounding in illusions

I've regained some sense into living, but it's nothing good. I still find this world surreal without him. It just isn't right like this. I swing from the mood when I'm relatively okay and think he might come back after all, or I'm actually the one lying right now in a hospital in a deep coma, and this is all a mere realistic illusion like my current dreams are, through the I should move on or do something wallbreaking to make our stay in heaven happier, to the depressive - he's not coming back, I can't do anything, life's going to suck just more and more and I should die. Usually I just relax on playing some games and completely escape from reality, but the fact that he's gone cannot be escaped upon. It just hurts.

Today on fifth period I got a severe headache. My brain nearly shut down there, on chemistry I was really sleepy in a strange way. The headache carried on echoing as I went for lunch. I had to eat something because my mom'll be away for the weekend and a few more days, and my father isn't a good cook, speaking of which I refuse to eat his food.
So I sat at the sushi bar, and then I heard that famous song, Angels by Morandi. I heard it in the morning in the bus too, and I started thinking it might be a subliminal message of sorts.

"People stop fighting
Angels are crying
We can be better
Love is the answer" 

Angels... He's an angel now, isn't he? Maybe he's really crying up there in that group. Maybe there IS a god, but he's powerless and can't do anything right now. And that's why the world's left so freely. I don't believe in fate, as I'm sure you can change your own life as you desire to if you really want. Things COULD have ended differently if I made different choices, I know. There are some I regret, and there are some that could keep him alive. Now that I look back, I see them and it frustrates me that I haven't done them.
But yeah, angels crying, the world needs love in my opinion. I've heard that that opinion is retarded, too, that emotions are unnecessary and make us weak, and we should just have fun, no love, no hatred, nothing. Such a world just feels like an endless routine for me, and I hate routines. What can you do if you don't love or hate anything? That would make people a bunch of even grey mass, no one's special, even if they were different personality-wise. Life would have no point, not like mine has any point right now.

Or it may... if my beloved's really crying in heaven/afterlife/something, and god is really powerless, I should maybe do something regarding the world situation. I don't know whether a commoner like me can do anything, but I definitely do disagree with how the world is looking like now.

Or something else may happen...
Or nothing at all...
Maybe they are right and emotions are a burden and there's not even an afterlife...
But I don't wanna believe that, such a thought is just frustrating.

At the very least, I think, people atleast reincarnate if nothing else. It's too hard to believe death is the end of everything. Then again these theories are hard to explain, nothing's proven and science is still too raw. And maybe something we may think is utter bullshit today may be true in a few years.

We're not that far from the history we came from

Anyway, the headache made me an illusion later today. There was some cute asian guy on the bus stop. I was just busy with my thoughts and fighting the resounding headache. Then I saw him and that thought just crossed my mind, you may call me a retard or bitchslap me right now, but WHAT IF IT IS SECRETLY MY BELOVED? I didn't get to meet him once, and I'm bad at determining real-life appearance from photos. Usually people look less pretty on photos than IRL, because many are unphotogenic. So I tried to stand next to him, looking around disoriented...Now here comes the strange part: I heard a voice say "Hey." I looked around and didn't see anything strange. Now that I recall, the asian might've been looking at me, but I DOUBT now it was my beloved, but my memories now became quite hazy. So then I went to the bus, I was peeking at that guy a few times but then I stopped, and nearly cried. I thought "WTF is my brain doing for drugs?" and travelled home. At home I was just so headached I layed down into bed and slept till recently.

Another thing that bothers me that some of my dreams seem as real as reality. This is getting weird indeed, especially that my real-life memories are getting hazy as well as the dream. Maybe I'm really in a coma and this is all an illusion...everything...

Maybe that's life... We're already dead somewhere... Which means we might be dead before that....Which means we never existed to begin with and we're having an illusion.

Can I become certain of it and make it a lucid dream? Can I revive him and be with him then?

The headache swiftly shouts a few notes of pain. 

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #27 - A lookback.

Since I'm tired of everything, and I don't want to live anymore, I wanted to put a flashback on my life on a visible point. I expect to kill myself off soon anyway, without that one significant person life's too painful to take. Also I'm procrastrinating from my english project, which is something I don't want to do... it's a pain in the ass topic too.
When I was just entering high school, since I was entering it sooner, I was leaving something I maybe didn't have to leave. I found friends at my old school, and I lost them the moment I left. I'm not in touch with any of them anymore, except one that wasn't close. It wasn't as lonely and as bad as I thought. When I invited everyone to my birthday party, everyone fell friendly. I still haven't figured out why but I was suddenly welcome.
In high school, I became rather the recluse to the start. But thanks to my kind classroom teacher I've gotten countless chances and just managed to socialize to a point I could've been accepted. I've been a terrible person the whole 1st and possibly 2nd class. I did many regrettable things I'm so sorry for. I also had my first crush on a boy, but I got laughed at as I walked near, and I gave up. I just come to realise he wasn't even worthy.
In 2nd grade I started blogging on blog.cz about anime and stuff, from which in 3rd grade I made a friend, which's closest friendship I destroyed in an incident. I wanted to quit blogging and anime at that point, I'm glad I didn't, it eventually brought me elsewhere. I gave up on guys, I tried going out with girls instead for a while, thinking I was bisexual, however I can't imagine myself doing anything of the lesbian activity. I did fall heavily for a girl once, but that might've been my confusal. And I'll talk about it later.
I first just tried in one holiday, I think it might've been transition to 5th grade already, to get quickly into a relationship because I didn't wanna be alone. I just hooked up with someone outta kindness. I lied terribly to my feelings. I was quite happy when one Tuesday I got a message regarding breakup. I said I also wanted. At that point I already long-since started roleplaying. My first roleplay standpoint was Maid-Gokudera. It turned out a fine roleplay, but when we developed actual relationships, it went just beyond the base roleplay thing for me. I wasn't cut for that, and I fell for my RP partner, nicknamed Mayumi. But she was heterosexual, and it turned out into suffering. One day I decided to clench my teeth and say goodbye to her, moving on.
After some time, I don't know the exact timeflow, I joined Vocamania. It was winter-spring 2011. I was recruited by a Polish pal from SMO on the forums themselves, it went like "shouldn't I already join?" "yes you definitely should!" It was a forum that indeed changed my life drastically.
I was still roleplaying at that point, with someone else. But what I felt this time might've been another lie to myself. I probably just felt jealous and I wanted to RP with her, and considered her my best friend and no one else's. I'm sensitive when it comes to this, I want friends I can be talking to when I walk around, not just a third wheel like I usually am.
But there was one person I really loved, yet it died sooner than it could initiate. It was a mutual love though. One guy that... I prefer to not talk to right now. I'm not gonna set names. He left though because of personal issues, I was sad thinking I'm never gonna see him again and lose myself. I could confess, yet I didn't. If I did, today could've been different, but not a today I wish for. That guy has similar issues than my father, I could've ended up as my mother did if I did that. He fell for another girl, my current best friend. I was able to let him go and my feelings died.
Eventually, I tried to promise that girl from roleplay some stuff, but then another breakdown occured.
2nd January 2012, the guy I currently loved and cared for the most, stronger than any of the other crushes.... I found out about his feelings to me. And many other events, but the result is all that just made me realise.... That I really loved him. I loved him, although for not such a long time at that point, but without realising and I did it well. The other guy, that former crush of mine, tried to stop me, yet I didn't. I wasn't able to let go such a great guy. I broke up my ties with all roleplay communities, I've thought about nothing else but him. I was hoping to be with him for long months, I was hoping for his comeback. Eventually...
30th April 2012, he messaged me on Skype. It was admin-related stuff. I managed to tell him none hate him on VM, I opened up the way to his comeback. We had a long talk, lasted like 4hours without breaks. Didn't even send pics to fill the space. It made me just love him more, seeing we could talk this long without any troubles. I was seeing him on a monthly basis, yet that was okay. I got his new email too.
He once told me he's thinking wishful thoughts about me, I hadn't had a clear picture of what he meant. But I was already okay with anything. I told him it's fine, then I realised I might've told something awkward.
Later he rejoined VM, everyone was smiling, although he wasn't too active at first.
Then I left for my vacation in Malta. Yes it's a very important aspect. I had some paid wifi there, it was weak yet I could talk to many people on Skype. I also saw him on Skype, we talked a few times, something that made me smile. Eventually, one guy that desired to become admin, yes it was my former crush, went to him. My current crush was the founder of VM, and since I loved him so much, and he deserved to know the truth of what happened that day, With that, there had to also come my confession.
10th August 2012, I told him everything. Ranging from the events my former crush told to many people, through what I know, to my feelings. He held a relationship impossible at first, I thought differently but I let it be, staying just friends. We enjoyed an awesome day, and it was the day I stayed up the longest in my life too.
12th-13th August 2012 overnight, a friendship was rendered more impossible than a relationship. It was either, relationship or goodbye, and as I loved him too much to say a goodbye, I went for the relationship. I talked to people for that and all seemed fine. We got together, finally!
Here starts the happiest time of my life.
I enjoyed talking to him on a daily basis, I enjoyed the happiness... The way he handled me I knew he knows me good, and we could totally relate to eachother due to some similar life experiences. Although tests said our personalities were different, I wouldn't say they were at all. Maybe views on life were.

4th September 2012, one of the rare times I went on Skype in the morning. I clearly remembered our last conversation and went to school, all happy. I remember happily walking along the street, listening to Whiteout by Hatsune Miku, thinking I truly have a happy life. It was also the first day of studying at school for me. I wasn't too bothered, I just waited for it to end, so I could come home and later talk to him again.
But I just got involved in massive drama.
The end of summer holidays brought demise.
Since 4th September I haven't seen my lover again, I expected to see him though. Every day I was logging on Skype, I was hoping I'd meet him up again.
I was counting the days he was gone, thinking I'd eventually zero out the counter and talk to him. Even though I had to prepare for the worst.
Which I never took to heart.
4th October 2012, a month has passed since my lover's mysterious disappearance. Just one day ago I sent him my last heartfelt email. I was nearing to giving up all hope, I put it all in the mail. I snuck to facebook this marked day, just to find out...terrible news.
He's no longer alive.
I was just plain sad. I didn't think it REALLY was the case as I was afraid. Just...
Just why...
I realised 4th September was my last, truly happy day. And 4th October was the demise of all my happiness. I can't smile again. I can't feel happy about life again,
No one can replace his spot to such an extent, I come to realise...there's no point in living anymore. Anything else would eventually turn into a stereotype.
I keep asking why.
I keep begging God to tell me either this all to be a lie, or to kill me on the spot.

This world... I don't want it anymore.

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #26 - A devastating end of a relationship

I...never...expected...for things to end like this.
There is just one worse kind of being seperated with your significant other than breakup...
Him dying.

And this happened to me.

Today I found out on Facebook.... he's no longer here.
And I'm breaking apart. This time I cut myself stronger than I ever did. Fortunately it seems not strong enough to actually kill, but pretty sure it will freak out someone.

I'm not even thinking. I'm in despair, shaking from the cold in this room. Pretty sure it's not even that strong as I picture it.
But it's... lonely. The only person I trusted with my life on is forever gone...

God, why are you so cruel? I tried to help people... Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be like this...
Pretty sure I will get yelled at soon.

How should this world run? ....

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #25 - What's following after these days?

I start to lose time, I start to be calm and lose the depressions I kept on having. I held out two days without them. I'm fine. Now I hope it's not a calm before a violent storm which will honestly end my life. It might also be a calm giving me a signal that the awesome days that I've enjoyed throughout the second half of August are going to return. I hope it's the second choice.
I got really mad earlier today. My father locked me out my room and I couldn't access it for 1 hour atleast. But no need to talk about that.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens next.

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #24 - The vague color of emotions

It flashed all to my mind while I was playing osu! today, exactly while I was playing the beatmap of this very nice song. That was the point where I realised some things:
1)Nothing is impossible, and to counter the color-out-of-spectrum argument I know approximately how those colors are displayed to our eyes. You've got to believe and it can happen. If you waver, things may go wrong. That's the way of life.
2) Weaknesses aren't supposed to be accepted, they're supposed to be fought away. (This includes fears/phobias.) I should stop being so lazy and do something about my hold-backness in real life and also my physical condition - I clearly lack some iron and also some exercise.
3) The color of emotions is vague. They can be good, they can be bad. You should learn to control them, or you'll end up with clinical mental disorders. As far from what I experience, the layer between common and clinical isn't that big. A few days ago I was at a state where I desired proffesional help. But I think I can come over my disordered mentality myself. No one else can smash my own problems against the wall and tell them to stop, no matter how close to me (s)he is, no matter how related to them (s)he is (because if it are my thoughts about them, it can easily be repeated unless I do something. And if action from his/her side to problem solving is required, it's no longer just my problem). Clench teeth, get through it. One friend told me a few days ago I should learn to control my emotions, and I thought that'd be too impossible. But then again, read point 1. It's fine to love who your heart chooses for you, it's fine to befriend who you find symphatic. If you really desire something, fight for it, but once you cry how impossible it is, you'll risk never achieveing it. Then again, you can't force others for that. Some patience may be necessary at times.

Then again I forget a lot, I remember stuff I really don't need to remember clearly, but forget stuff I want to not forget. Like spending less time on the computer lol~  

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #23 - The descension of a mentality

Who cares about post frequency? I don't.
I've build up a immunity against someone's manipulative skills. But that's not really a good thing afterall. His manipulation goes like - say what you're doing wrong, minorly depress - impress by portraying how you're awesome - make them be your full supporter - manipulated and done. And...with my immunity I get stuck on the first phase. And what's worse, with my lowered self-esteem, I take it even worse.
So technically speaking, I can't tell the details but he kinda succeeded in making me feel like a murderer for being nice to a person I love. (yes, love, which makes it like 10x worse) What's even worse, the person hasn't been online for several days (6 and counting) while normally we talk everyday. I put highest likelyhood to severe internet issues (since last time I saw him he had unstable connection, or so it seemed...) and hope for the best...
This is such a great case for a permanent depression. My mind's on the decline. Since this morning I have been fighting with all my breaths the urge to kill myself. Now my head hurts from everything. Health-wise I'm not best on it either... And I keep thinking about relevant or less relevant things... This... And also...
Whether I'm worthy as admin. Yes such a repeated story on Vocamania, I nearly quit adminning over four times this year and still am doubting myself. Which bothers me most is when that drama occured and I didn't want to let that manipulative someone who frustrates me a lot be on the staff, because of my current state and because a moderator would surely leave if i were to agree on that. And that moderator is a good friend of mine and I didn't want him to leave. Yet that guy kept forcing it from me, said I took it forcefully from him, and I neither do deserve a post if I decline. He made me feel like the worst person on earth, for this and for that murderer case. And one of my friends noted I sound like a spoiled brat.. I must've. I think it isn't fair either, for my mental state and for one mod... I should've let him. But what can I do? Let this destroy myself, or destroy Vocamania (because of cooperation with me)?

A situation worth of psychiatry lock-up...

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #22 - Dramatic Destruction

Long time since last entry... There was much going on. But that's not the point right now.
I've gone into a state where I can't deny my insomnia. I can't sleep earlier than like 6 AM lately and wake up really late as well. But sometimes such a vast state of the mind is where you think the most. Earlier today, I've experienced drama on the page I admin. It was headaching and a lot of stress. I was told that drama is inevitable by someone who I really care about, but as I was stressed out, I couldn't reply too well.
Because it's true, but not in every case. There are some serious conflicts that can't be solved in other ways than drama, but those aren't small things at all. It must be something of great importance, a good example is fighting for a loved one while there's another guy on the roll.
 And now to the piss off topic - For heck, I wouldn't care if that guy there kept that stupid file in the dropped section. But when he goes all ego about it, of course I'm gonna headache over it. It's disturbing the peace of the forum, people nearly leave. Drama shouldn't be forced, it's driving people insane. When I heard the guy might have intended that, I felt mad at him again.

I'm getting terribly scared. Of the fate of this forum, of the fate of the friends that still trust the guy. He's known to manipulate, I know he hates me now. I don't want to make anymore enemies. And definitely not people I care about. It would break me inside. I still want to fight, because without fighting you'll never achieve anything.

I don't even know what to say. Sometimes I think a sentence I say opposes another sentence I said a while ago. Makes you feel awkward, doesn't it? Makes you insane, doesn't it?

I'm starting to feel horrible from this all, like that guy's going to destroy me.

(If there's anything you want me to edit out, or if you want me to remove this article, message me.)