Who cares about post frequency? I don't.
I've build up a immunity against someone's manipulative skills. But that's not really a good thing afterall. His manipulation goes like - say what you're doing wrong, minorly depress - impress by portraying how you're awesome - make them be your full supporter - manipulated and done. And...with my immunity I get stuck on the first phase. And what's worse, with my lowered self-esteem, I take it even worse.
So technically speaking, I can't tell the details but he kinda succeeded in making me feel like a murderer for being nice to a person I love. (yes, love, which makes it like 10x worse) What's even worse, the person hasn't been online for several days (6 and counting) while normally we talk everyday. I put highest likelyhood to severe internet issues (since last time I saw him he had unstable connection, or so it seemed...) and hope for the best...
This is such a great case for a permanent depression. My mind's on the decline. Since this morning I have been fighting with all my breaths the urge to kill myself. Now my head hurts from everything. Health-wise I'm not best on it either... And I keep thinking about relevant or less relevant things... This... And also...
Whether I'm worthy as admin. Yes such a repeated story on Vocamania, I nearly quit adminning over four times this year and still am doubting myself. Which bothers me most is when that drama occured and I didn't want to let that manipulative someone who frustrates me a lot be on the staff, because of my current state and because a moderator would surely leave if i were to agree on that. And that moderator is a good friend of mine and I didn't want him to leave. Yet that guy kept forcing it from me, said I took it forcefully from him, and I neither do deserve a post if I decline. He made me feel like the worst person on earth, for this and for that murderer case. And one of my friends noted I sound like a spoiled brat.. I must've. I think it isn't fair either, for my mental state and for one mod... I should've let him. But what can I do? Let this destroy myself, or destroy Vocamania (because of cooperation with me)?
A situation worth of psychiatry lock-up...
No comments:
Post a Comment