"Let's be all honest here, you aren't my friends."
I heard these words recently from someone I considered my friend in the Vocamania Staff Chat. Even though he said that, I don't take it as a pain to the heart, however, it stayed ripped in my mind, with the coyote after it. Why?
The person turned out to be internet-skeptic after some damage done...?? Or maybe he's just found the truth. I might've been really wrong in the past. You can't be real friends or even further with someone through the internet. I'm just thinking that...
I image our community as an anime, and our moments as fragments of "reality". True, we're all part of the real world, although we have never even met. True, we have all become really close. But is this right? I do want to spend time with my friends, but do I really feel less lonely? I feel like a computer-addict again, and my loneliness isn't helped. When you feel helpless after such a loss, you start to realise and doubt everything.
My former...I cannot deny my feelings for him. I cannot deny I can't feel more for someone else. Maybe he felt similarily about the internet already, and that was my mistake by wanting to get together with him. Maybe I should have let him go and get real when I still wasn't standing in the waterfall of joy. I cannot deny the relationship was amazing. I cannot deny we both loved each other. But sometimes the word "impossible" should indeed engrave. In that case, that person I started to detest because of the theories that seemed so distant, yet did legit damage...he was right all along. I'm therefore a terrible and terribly mistaken person. And I want to apologize somehow... I want to apologize to the person I love and to the person I detested for not a proper reason whatosever.
But to the detested person I'm unforgiveable. No matter how much you try, if you look at it from such eyes, you cannot be forgiven for such a mistake.
And the loved person I cannot reach, and there's a good chance I won't reach anymore. I want to reach him again. I want to know the real truth. After all, I might be wrong on my self-accusations. Many people will tell me I definitely am, but in the true light, really? He might've stopped being suicidal if I met him in reality then going this way. He might've found another girl and similar progress if I let him go back then.
The girl I talked to about a week ago, she couldn't stop thinking about him after realising the matter! I'm quite sure he could've meant more to her than just a friend. Maybe it wouldn't go this bad. Maybe...
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe this decease was never meant to happen but something slipped on his side and it turned into eternal despair for me. Maybe I'm actually lying in a comatose and this is never happening.
I'm not sure anymore about anything. So many questions are left unanswered. I just want to breakdown, cry, and then quietly disappear.
Once you lose something, you realise the true value it had for you...
Then you're full of regrets that there are some things you could've done sooner...
Now it's too late to change anything...
My sad story continues with a dead end.
Time has passed, wounds have gotten smaller, but they're leaving scars as if they've never properly healed. I got too much into a game and with that I became really close to a person that I knew before and liked me before, but I'm afraid he's no longer interested in me. Although after today, from a joke I pretended to not get, I saw a dim light of hope. But I can't hope for anything. As I mentioned in the past article, there are 3 outcomes of this, all of which frustrate me. My point is I want to spend time with him. I feel sad if he's not on or doesn't want to talk to me. And I do realise one day he might disappear with another girl. I'll be sad then. Or the other two outcomes, they also frustrate me, as for one limits him for eternity or atleast until I die, second could break his poor heart later on, if the afterlife does exist, or if my former lover were to miraclously appear alive after the time, which is like high-unlikely but in the corner of my heart I still believe that because I want to be with him again.
See how ridiculous I am.
Turn back time please. Turn it back.
Tell me what can I fix so we'll be together.
Or atleast, so I can make sure he leads a happy life. A life.
I'm a highly emotion-biased person. I don't follow any logic when choosing a partner, not looks, not personality, not knowledge. When the spark flies, it flies. Usually it flies when I spend much time or a person falls higly sympathic to me. If that comes to, I can remain loyal for the rest of the life, or could, with my former...?? I don't even know myself anymore. I can't feel the sparks in my eyes since he passed away. I feel like I could smile much brighter, now all my smiles feel so dull and fake.
I feel like crying right now...
Everything feels like an illusion that could break apart.
I'm not sure if it's the coma one...or the internet one...or just a feeling of my imagination.
