KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #31 - You just won the Baka award.

Two days ago, I got overdepressed due to a misunderstanding and left a message in the guy's Skype IMs, that I actually liked him a bit, not as much as my former BF though, with some depressed blabbers. The feelings I had for him somehow increased right the day after, but he started acting like a total idiot. Turns out he somehow evoked a misunderstanding by not replying properly, from which I cut myself and attempted to strangle myself at night. Then he went like "I don't understand anything of you" and refused to talk. Then as he readded me to the VM chat, he just casually went bragging about two other girls on VM and coupled himself with them, which got me even more mad. Eventually, on Dragon Saga, he was pretending like nothing happened so I got terribly mad and raged in the F7 party I was in. They also got he's acting totally dumb, although I haven't even told them about the confession. In the end, after some swift argument he logged off while I kept my ass online long after my bedtime, causing me trouble of course, and then when I rampaged on him in the staff chat, he went like "better take a break off the computer...don't expect me on in the next day-2days", This guy is just freaking dumb... ==

Anyway, I woke up to the feeling that my whole left shoulder/heart/scapula area hurts for no reason, but I think I can blame just this guy. ARGH!!!

If my past beloved were to still consider myself less worthy than this guy, I'd slap him without hestitation. I can't slap him strongly because I love him the most, despite that he passed away, but saying he's less worthy than this guy is just... 

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #30 - Questionable Bonds, Illusions and the Truths

"Let's be all honest here, you aren't my friends."
I heard these words recently from someone I considered my friend in the Vocamania Staff Chat. Even though he said that, I don't take it as a pain to the heart, however, it stayed ripped in my mind, with the coyote after it. Why?
The person turned out to be internet-skeptic after some damage done...?? Or maybe he's just found the truth. I might've been really wrong in the past. You can't be real friends or even further with someone through the internet. I'm just thinking that...
I image our community as an anime, and our moments as fragments of "reality". True, we're all part of the real world, although we have never even met. True, we have all become really close. But is this right? I do want to spend time with my friends, but do I really feel less lonely? I feel like a computer-addict again, and my loneliness isn't helped. When you feel helpless after such a loss, you start to realise and doubt everything.

My former...I cannot deny my feelings for him. I cannot deny I can't feel more for someone else. Maybe he felt similarily about the internet already, and that was my mistake by wanting to get together with him. Maybe I should have let him go and get real when I still wasn't standing in the waterfall of joy. I cannot deny the relationship was amazing. I cannot deny we both loved each other. But sometimes the word "impossible" should indeed engrave. In that case, that person I started to detest because of the theories that seemed so distant, yet did legit damage...he was right all along. I'm therefore a terrible and terribly mistaken person. And I want to apologize somehow... I want to apologize to the person I love and to the person I detested for not a proper reason whatosever.
But to the detested person I'm unforgiveable. No matter how much you try, if you look at it from such eyes, you cannot be forgiven for such a mistake.
And the loved person I cannot reach, and there's a good chance I won't reach anymore. I want to reach him again. I want to know the real truth. After all, I might be wrong on my self-accusations. Many people will tell me I definitely am, but in the true light, really? He might've stopped being suicidal if I met him in reality then going this way. He might've found another girl and similar progress if I let him go back then.
The girl I talked to about a week ago, she couldn't stop thinking about him after realising the matter! I'm quite sure he could've meant more to her than just a friend. Maybe it wouldn't go this bad. Maybe...
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe this decease was never meant to happen but something slipped on his side and it turned into eternal despair for me. Maybe I'm actually lying in a comatose and this is never happening.
I'm not sure anymore about anything. So many questions are left unanswered. I just want to breakdown, cry, and then quietly disappear.

Once you lose something, you realise the true value it had for you...
Then you're full of regrets that there are some things you could've done sooner...

Now it's too late to change anything...

My sad story continues with a dead end.
Time has passed, wounds have gotten smaller, but they're leaving scars as if they've never properly healed. I got too much into a game and with that I became really close to a person that I knew before and liked me before, but I'm afraid he's no longer interested in me. Although after today, from a joke I pretended to not get, I saw a dim light of hope. But I can't hope for anything. As I mentioned in the past article, there are 3 outcomes of this, all of which frustrate me. My point is I want to spend time with him. I feel sad if he's not on or doesn't want to talk to me. And I do realise one day he might disappear with another girl. I'll be sad then. Or the other two outcomes, they also frustrate me, as for one limits him for eternity or atleast until I die, second could break his poor heart later on, if the afterlife does exist, or if my former lover were to miraclously appear alive after the time, which is like high-unlikely but in the corner of my heart I still believe that because I want to be with him again.

See how ridiculous I am.

Turn back time please. Turn it back.
Tell me what can I fix so we'll be together.
Or atleast, so I can make sure he leads a happy life. A life.

I'm a highly emotion-biased person. I don't follow any logic when choosing a partner, not looks, not personality, not knowledge. When the spark flies, it flies. Usually it flies when I spend much time or a person falls higly sympathic to me. If that comes to, I can remain loyal for the rest of the life, or could, with my former...?? I don't even know myself anymore. I can't feel the sparks in my eyes since he passed away. I feel like I could smile much brighter, now all my smiles feel so dull and fake.

I feel like crying right now...
Everything feels like an illusion that could break apart.
I'm not sure if it's the coma one...or the internet one...or just a feeling of my imagination.

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #29 - No happy way out?!

Turns out I managed to like someone very much again, but it's nowhere near my passed away beloved's level. Therefore it's a problem that has no happy way out. I still love my late boyfriend a good amount, yet the image of those days turns out vague. Yet if I were to hear that he's alive, if I were to see him, be it in heaven, hell, earth, neverland, space, wherever, I'm pretty sure my feelings for him would awaken in the level that they were before, meaning this guy I like a lot right now would stand no chance.
To explain better...
I know he had a crush on me, I had to reject him in the past, and I don't know if he still likes me now (probably not). I don't know him IRL either. There are a few possible outcomes outta this.
First is he gets me into a relationship - I'd feel bad because after death or if I were to see my former again, I'd leave him alone, breaking his poor heart.
Second is he will leave me alone/eventually finds another girl - I'd feel bad because I want him to spend time with me and feel lonely.
Third is he'll stay with me, but in no relationship, just forever single - I'd feel bad that he's stuck with me and cannot move on to a better life.

Well, this is screwed.

I wonder if the certain mentioned person is reading this.

But still, it is screwity screwed.

If only my former could come alive back ;_;

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #28 - Resounding in illusions

I've regained some sense into living, but it's nothing good. I still find this world surreal without him. It just isn't right like this. I swing from the mood when I'm relatively okay and think he might come back after all, or I'm actually the one lying right now in a hospital in a deep coma, and this is all a mere realistic illusion like my current dreams are, through the I should move on or do something wallbreaking to make our stay in heaven happier, to the depressive - he's not coming back, I can't do anything, life's going to suck just more and more and I should die. Usually I just relax on playing some games and completely escape from reality, but the fact that he's gone cannot be escaped upon. It just hurts.

Today on fifth period I got a severe headache. My brain nearly shut down there, on chemistry I was really sleepy in a strange way. The headache carried on echoing as I went for lunch. I had to eat something because my mom'll be away for the weekend and a few more days, and my father isn't a good cook, speaking of which I refuse to eat his food.
So I sat at the sushi bar, and then I heard that famous song, Angels by Morandi. I heard it in the morning in the bus too, and I started thinking it might be a subliminal message of sorts.

"People stop fighting
Angels are crying
We can be better
Love is the answer" 

Angels... He's an angel now, isn't he? Maybe he's really crying up there in that group. Maybe there IS a god, but he's powerless and can't do anything right now. And that's why the world's left so freely. I don't believe in fate, as I'm sure you can change your own life as you desire to if you really want. Things COULD have ended differently if I made different choices, I know. There are some I regret, and there are some that could keep him alive. Now that I look back, I see them and it frustrates me that I haven't done them.
But yeah, angels crying, the world needs love in my opinion. I've heard that that opinion is retarded, too, that emotions are unnecessary and make us weak, and we should just have fun, no love, no hatred, nothing. Such a world just feels like an endless routine for me, and I hate routines. What can you do if you don't love or hate anything? That would make people a bunch of even grey mass, no one's special, even if they were different personality-wise. Life would have no point, not like mine has any point right now.

Or it may... if my beloved's really crying in heaven/afterlife/something, and god is really powerless, I should maybe do something regarding the world situation. I don't know whether a commoner like me can do anything, but I definitely do disagree with how the world is looking like now.

Or something else may happen...
Or nothing at all...
Maybe they are right and emotions are a burden and there's not even an afterlife...
But I don't wanna believe that, such a thought is just frustrating.

At the very least, I think, people atleast reincarnate if nothing else. It's too hard to believe death is the end of everything. Then again these theories are hard to explain, nothing's proven and science is still too raw. And maybe something we may think is utter bullshit today may be true in a few years.

We're not that far from the history we came from

Anyway, the headache made me an illusion later today. There was some cute asian guy on the bus stop. I was just busy with my thoughts and fighting the resounding headache. Then I saw him and that thought just crossed my mind, you may call me a retard or bitchslap me right now, but WHAT IF IT IS SECRETLY MY BELOVED? I didn't get to meet him once, and I'm bad at determining real-life appearance from photos. Usually people look less pretty on photos than IRL, because many are unphotogenic. So I tried to stand next to him, looking around disoriented...Now here comes the strange part: I heard a voice say "Hey." I looked around and didn't see anything strange. Now that I recall, the asian might've been looking at me, but I DOUBT now it was my beloved, but my memories now became quite hazy. So then I went to the bus, I was peeking at that guy a few times but then I stopped, and nearly cried. I thought "WTF is my brain doing for drugs?" and travelled home. At home I was just so headached I layed down into bed and slept till recently.

Another thing that bothers me that some of my dreams seem as real as reality. This is getting weird indeed, especially that my real-life memories are getting hazy as well as the dream. Maybe I'm really in a coma and this is all an illusion...everything...

Maybe that's life... We're already dead somewhere... Which means we might be dead before that....Which means we never existed to begin with and we're having an illusion.

Can I become certain of it and make it a lucid dream? Can I revive him and be with him then?

The headache swiftly shouts a few notes of pain. 

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #27 - A lookback.

Since I'm tired of everything, and I don't want to live anymore, I wanted to put a flashback on my life on a visible point. I expect to kill myself off soon anyway, without that one significant person life's too painful to take. Also I'm procrastrinating from my english project, which is something I don't want to do... it's a pain in the ass topic too.
When I was just entering high school, since I was entering it sooner, I was leaving something I maybe didn't have to leave. I found friends at my old school, and I lost them the moment I left. I'm not in touch with any of them anymore, except one that wasn't close. It wasn't as lonely and as bad as I thought. When I invited everyone to my birthday party, everyone fell friendly. I still haven't figured out why but I was suddenly welcome.
In high school, I became rather the recluse to the start. But thanks to my kind classroom teacher I've gotten countless chances and just managed to socialize to a point I could've been accepted. I've been a terrible person the whole 1st and possibly 2nd class. I did many regrettable things I'm so sorry for. I also had my first crush on a boy, but I got laughed at as I walked near, and I gave up. I just come to realise he wasn't even worthy.
In 2nd grade I started blogging on blog.cz about anime and stuff, from which in 3rd grade I made a friend, which's closest friendship I destroyed in an incident. I wanted to quit blogging and anime at that point, I'm glad I didn't, it eventually brought me elsewhere. I gave up on guys, I tried going out with girls instead for a while, thinking I was bisexual, however I can't imagine myself doing anything of the lesbian activity. I did fall heavily for a girl once, but that might've been my confusal. And I'll talk about it later.
I first just tried in one holiday, I think it might've been transition to 5th grade already, to get quickly into a relationship because I didn't wanna be alone. I just hooked up with someone outta kindness. I lied terribly to my feelings. I was quite happy when one Tuesday I got a message regarding breakup. I said I also wanted. At that point I already long-since started roleplaying. My first roleplay standpoint was Maid-Gokudera. It turned out a fine roleplay, but when we developed actual relationships, it went just beyond the base roleplay thing for me. I wasn't cut for that, and I fell for my RP partner, nicknamed Mayumi. But she was heterosexual, and it turned out into suffering. One day I decided to clench my teeth and say goodbye to her, moving on.
After some time, I don't know the exact timeflow, I joined Vocamania. It was winter-spring 2011. I was recruited by a Polish pal from SMO on the forums themselves, it went like "shouldn't I already join?" "yes you definitely should!" It was a forum that indeed changed my life drastically.
I was still roleplaying at that point, with someone else. But what I felt this time might've been another lie to myself. I probably just felt jealous and I wanted to RP with her, and considered her my best friend and no one else's. I'm sensitive when it comes to this, I want friends I can be talking to when I walk around, not just a third wheel like I usually am.
But there was one person I really loved, yet it died sooner than it could initiate. It was a mutual love though. One guy that... I prefer to not talk to right now. I'm not gonna set names. He left though because of personal issues, I was sad thinking I'm never gonna see him again and lose myself. I could confess, yet I didn't. If I did, today could've been different, but not a today I wish for. That guy has similar issues than my father, I could've ended up as my mother did if I did that. He fell for another girl, my current best friend. I was able to let him go and my feelings died.
Eventually, I tried to promise that girl from roleplay some stuff, but then another breakdown occured.
2nd January 2012, the guy I currently loved and cared for the most, stronger than any of the other crushes.... I found out about his feelings to me. And many other events, but the result is all that just made me realise.... That I really loved him. I loved him, although for not such a long time at that point, but without realising and I did it well. The other guy, that former crush of mine, tried to stop me, yet I didn't. I wasn't able to let go such a great guy. I broke up my ties with all roleplay communities, I've thought about nothing else but him. I was hoping to be with him for long months, I was hoping for his comeback. Eventually...
30th April 2012, he messaged me on Skype. It was admin-related stuff. I managed to tell him none hate him on VM, I opened up the way to his comeback. We had a long talk, lasted like 4hours without breaks. Didn't even send pics to fill the space. It made me just love him more, seeing we could talk this long without any troubles. I was seeing him on a monthly basis, yet that was okay. I got his new email too.
He once told me he's thinking wishful thoughts about me, I hadn't had a clear picture of what he meant. But I was already okay with anything. I told him it's fine, then I realised I might've told something awkward.
Later he rejoined VM, everyone was smiling, although he wasn't too active at first.
Then I left for my vacation in Malta. Yes it's a very important aspect. I had some paid wifi there, it was weak yet I could talk to many people on Skype. I also saw him on Skype, we talked a few times, something that made me smile. Eventually, one guy that desired to become admin, yes it was my former crush, went to him. My current crush was the founder of VM, and since I loved him so much, and he deserved to know the truth of what happened that day, With that, there had to also come my confession.
10th August 2012, I told him everything. Ranging from the events my former crush told to many people, through what I know, to my feelings. He held a relationship impossible at first, I thought differently but I let it be, staying just friends. We enjoyed an awesome day, and it was the day I stayed up the longest in my life too.
12th-13th August 2012 overnight, a friendship was rendered more impossible than a relationship. It was either, relationship or goodbye, and as I loved him too much to say a goodbye, I went for the relationship. I talked to people for that and all seemed fine. We got together, finally!
Here starts the happiest time of my life.
I enjoyed talking to him on a daily basis, I enjoyed the happiness... The way he handled me I knew he knows me good, and we could totally relate to eachother due to some similar life experiences. Although tests said our personalities were different, I wouldn't say they were at all. Maybe views on life were.

4th September 2012, one of the rare times I went on Skype in the morning. I clearly remembered our last conversation and went to school, all happy. I remember happily walking along the street, listening to Whiteout by Hatsune Miku, thinking I truly have a happy life. It was also the first day of studying at school for me. I wasn't too bothered, I just waited for it to end, so I could come home and later talk to him again.
But I just got involved in massive drama.
The end of summer holidays brought demise.
Since 4th September I haven't seen my lover again, I expected to see him though. Every day I was logging on Skype, I was hoping I'd meet him up again.
I was counting the days he was gone, thinking I'd eventually zero out the counter and talk to him. Even though I had to prepare for the worst.
Which I never took to heart.
4th October 2012, a month has passed since my lover's mysterious disappearance. Just one day ago I sent him my last heartfelt email. I was nearing to giving up all hope, I put it all in the mail. I snuck to facebook this marked day, just to find out...terrible news.
He's no longer alive.
I was just plain sad. I didn't think it REALLY was the case as I was afraid. Just...
Just why...
I realised 4th September was my last, truly happy day. And 4th October was the demise of all my happiness. I can't smile again. I can't feel happy about life again,
No one can replace his spot to such an extent, I come to realise...there's no point in living anymore. Anything else would eventually turn into a stereotype.
I keep asking why.
I keep begging God to tell me either this all to be a lie, or to kill me on the spot.

This world... I don't want it anymore.

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #26 - A devastating end of a relationship

I...never...expected...for things to end like this.
There is just one worse kind of being seperated with your significant other than breakup...
Him dying.

And this happened to me.

Today I found out on Facebook.... he's no longer here.
And I'm breaking apart. This time I cut myself stronger than I ever did. Fortunately it seems not strong enough to actually kill, but pretty sure it will freak out someone.

I'm not even thinking. I'm in despair, shaking from the cold in this room. Pretty sure it's not even that strong as I picture it.
But it's... lonely. The only person I trusted with my life on is forever gone...

God, why are you so cruel? I tried to help people... Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be like this...
Pretty sure I will get yelled at soon.

How should this world run? ....

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #25 - What's following after these days?

I start to lose time, I start to be calm and lose the depressions I kept on having. I held out two days without them. I'm fine. Now I hope it's not a calm before a violent storm which will honestly end my life. It might also be a calm giving me a signal that the awesome days that I've enjoyed throughout the second half of August are going to return. I hope it's the second choice.
I got really mad earlier today. My father locked me out my room and I couldn't access it for 1 hour atleast. But no need to talk about that.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens next.

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #24 - The vague color of emotions

It flashed all to my mind while I was playing osu! today, exactly while I was playing the beatmap of this very nice song. That was the point where I realised some things:
1)Nothing is impossible, and to counter the color-out-of-spectrum argument I know approximately how those colors are displayed to our eyes. You've got to believe and it can happen. If you waver, things may go wrong. That's the way of life.
2) Weaknesses aren't supposed to be accepted, they're supposed to be fought away. (This includes fears/phobias.) I should stop being so lazy and do something about my hold-backness in real life and also my physical condition - I clearly lack some iron and also some exercise.
3) The color of emotions is vague. They can be good, they can be bad. You should learn to control them, or you'll end up with clinical mental disorders. As far from what I experience, the layer between common and clinical isn't that big. A few days ago I was at a state where I desired proffesional help. But I think I can come over my disordered mentality myself. No one else can smash my own problems against the wall and tell them to stop, no matter how close to me (s)he is, no matter how related to them (s)he is (because if it are my thoughts about them, it can easily be repeated unless I do something. And if action from his/her side to problem solving is required, it's no longer just my problem). Clench teeth, get through it. One friend told me a few days ago I should learn to control my emotions, and I thought that'd be too impossible. But then again, read point 1. It's fine to love who your heart chooses for you, it's fine to befriend who you find symphatic. If you really desire something, fight for it, but once you cry how impossible it is, you'll risk never achieveing it. Then again, you can't force others for that. Some patience may be necessary at times.

Then again I forget a lot, I remember stuff I really don't need to remember clearly, but forget stuff I want to not forget. Like spending less time on the computer lol~  

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #23 - The descension of a mentality

Who cares about post frequency? I don't.
I've build up a immunity against someone's manipulative skills. But that's not really a good thing afterall. His manipulation goes like - say what you're doing wrong, minorly depress - impress by portraying how you're awesome - make them be your full supporter - manipulated and done. And...with my immunity I get stuck on the first phase. And what's worse, with my lowered self-esteem, I take it even worse.
So technically speaking, I can't tell the details but he kinda succeeded in making me feel like a murderer for being nice to a person I love. (yes, love, which makes it like 10x worse) What's even worse, the person hasn't been online for several days (6 and counting) while normally we talk everyday. I put highest likelyhood to severe internet issues (since last time I saw him he had unstable connection, or so it seemed...) and hope for the best...
This is such a great case for a permanent depression. My mind's on the decline. Since this morning I have been fighting with all my breaths the urge to kill myself. Now my head hurts from everything. Health-wise I'm not best on it either... And I keep thinking about relevant or less relevant things... This... And also...
Whether I'm worthy as admin. Yes such a repeated story on Vocamania, I nearly quit adminning over four times this year and still am doubting myself. Which bothers me most is when that drama occured and I didn't want to let that manipulative someone who frustrates me a lot be on the staff, because of my current state and because a moderator would surely leave if i were to agree on that. And that moderator is a good friend of mine and I didn't want him to leave. Yet that guy kept forcing it from me, said I took it forcefully from him, and I neither do deserve a post if I decline. He made me feel like the worst person on earth, for this and for that murderer case. And one of my friends noted I sound like a spoiled brat.. I must've. I think it isn't fair either, for my mental state and for one mod... I should've let him. But what can I do? Let this destroy myself, or destroy Vocamania (because of cooperation with me)?

A situation worth of psychiatry lock-up...

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #22 - Dramatic Destruction

Long time since last entry... There was much going on. But that's not the point right now.
I've gone into a state where I can't deny my insomnia. I can't sleep earlier than like 6 AM lately and wake up really late as well. But sometimes such a vast state of the mind is where you think the most. Earlier today, I've experienced drama on the page I admin. It was headaching and a lot of stress. I was told that drama is inevitable by someone who I really care about, but as I was stressed out, I couldn't reply too well.
Because it's true, but not in every case. There are some serious conflicts that can't be solved in other ways than drama, but those aren't small things at all. It must be something of great importance, a good example is fighting for a loved one while there's another guy on the roll.
 And now to the piss off topic - For heck, I wouldn't care if that guy there kept that stupid file in the dropped section. But when he goes all ego about it, of course I'm gonna headache over it. It's disturbing the peace of the forum, people nearly leave. Drama shouldn't be forced, it's driving people insane. When I heard the guy might have intended that, I felt mad at him again.

I'm getting terribly scared. Of the fate of this forum, of the fate of the friends that still trust the guy. He's known to manipulate, I know he hates me now. I don't want to make anymore enemies. And definitely not people I care about. It would break me inside. I still want to fight, because without fighting you'll never achieve anything.

I don't even know what to say. Sometimes I think a sentence I say opposes another sentence I said a while ago. Makes you feel awkward, doesn't it? Makes you insane, doesn't it?

I'm starting to feel horrible from this all, like that guy's going to destroy me.

(If there's anything you want me to edit out, or if you want me to remove this article, message me.)

KandaRainbowsoul's Journal #21 - Absence

New journal image btw! Made this a longer while ago, the dimensions are better so I can center my text.
And no I don't play piano.

Joking aside, well...sometimes I think I should completely joking. Incidents of earlier today took me down. I simply felt my jokes just felt plain offensive to everyone and I hated myself from it. In the end my thoughts became reality. I became frustrated and desired for a moment of loneliness.
That just taught me sometimes, some jokes can't be taken well by everyone. So when in doubt, I'll stick to posting it only to people I know that won't take any offense. It makes perfect sense. Just abiding simple examples, as calling someone faggot as a joke would be allright if the person knows you're not even serious. But what if a gay person is near? He'll sure feel offended. Same as making racist jokes near a black person. No matter how good friends you are, these incidents will occur. And they can ruin friendships, too.

It can easily lead to you hating yourself.

A wise meme once said: The less you care, the happier you will be. It's sadly true. If you're selfish and don't care about anything around you, you won't feel down if something happens. Unfortunately I hate being selfish and care a lot, that's why I'm unhappy often. ...is it?

Thoughts #1 - Namechange and more reviews

First off, I found the name Allen_Kanda boring. I decided to change it into something cooler. I will still tag my articles by allen_kanda aside from my new nickname, because it was me, afterall, and I´ll be writing from my life. But call me KRS☆/KandaRainbowsoul from now on. (Vocamania already punned it to Kanda Rock Shooter ROFL)
Aside from that -- well I was inactive for long, but this blog wasn't designed for a vital amount of articles everyday -- but I've considered starting reviewing some other stuff aside from animes. I was thinking mainly about MMORPG games because I really like them, though I haven't played enough as of now (Dragonica (quit planning to return but dunno yet, now known more like Dragon Saga), Shin Megami Tensei: Imagine, Perfect World International, Forsaken World (not too active there yet lol), and Ragnarok online(I quit, I hated it)) so if you have any recommendations on what MMORPG I should try, feel free to message me or comment. I might also start reviewing series other than anime, but the only I finished is MLP:FiM (lmao I'm a pegasister, yes both seasons) and I kinda got stuck on Doctor Who....the same way I'm stuck with anime now OTL...Well I'll put more in my journal entry, as this is mainly for notices.

Allen_Kanda's Journal #20 - Swap

I wonder if this starts the registry of stupid things I may do this summer, but I've decided to be awake at night and sleep during the day, because the day just provides hot weather I can't stand being up at. I'll rather sleep it over then take a nice bath and sit here during the night. Still am up at early morning hours....Man, I may just waste another summer completely.
Or I'll just wait till it rains a lot then organise events with my friends...hopefully. I feel a little anxious when I think I've to go to my grandma by the end of the week. I don't want to skip it this time, or I'm afraid I'll offend her for sure. As Vocaloid Collaboration 10 was released not too long ago, I feel like I can slack off for a moment.

Yeah, it got released, and holidays started. I could relax, yet something keeps me at the status of anxiety...

Allen_Kanda's Journal #19 - The Legendary Schoolend...

It's tomorrow.
One more day~
I already got the rose for my teacher, and now for unknown reasons I want to listen to Kagamine Rin's Bloody Rose... Oh well once I'll be bringing this rose to school, I'll know it's all over for two months. Rest assured...
The teacher said we'll be at school for one hour only~! How cool is that? I hope that's right though... Once I'm done I'll take a shower (even if I were to shower today) and maybe go for a stroll outside the yard with my bike (which is pretty broken though...) and hopefully I can visit the aquapark the next day. The weather forecast on my mobile phone said it'll be hot this morning (though not nearly as hot as it said it is in South-East US rofl...rip those temperatures. I hope my friend there has air-con or atleast a fridge to hide into.)

Now to make some jobs for Vocamania and get ready for next day...and maybe watch some anime. and maybe play some games...
maybe even new articles...

Allen_Kanda's Journal #18 - The maddness-driven last nights

I don't know what to say. Just that I can't control what I do anymore. I tend to do ridicullously random things and have ridicullously random thoughts lately, forexample wishing for dozens of earthworms to cover the floor and tickle my feet. Maybe it's common that I want something wild on the last days of school.

One thing that's really bothering me is that someone disappeared without the littlest trace or word nearly a month ago. He didn't even pulse on whatpulse ever since slightly before we last talked and I'm getting worried. If this descriptions fits to you as you're reading this, please write me on skype or atleast pulse on whatpulse, even if it's a hillariously small pulse.

 Aside from all, today I had a pretty good day. Though it got really tiring in the middle. I just slowly advanced back to school, then dragged a heavy bag all the way home. I was thinking I'd ask some strong boy to help me, but it would look ridiculous, beside that I could be bothering. I mean, I rarely talk to the boys in my class except for one. I wish I was more sociable IRL, really... But the first half was nice, I found 1€ randomly in a swing and built a nice sclupture with my friend. We were two in the team, but I think we were considered the best among the judges... But meh, I don't really care that much.

Anyway the past weekend struck me in illness. On Friday I couldn't even sleep because I felt so sick I needed to barf every two hours - disrupted sleep is not too helpful. I was lucky to be able to go on Mangafest atleast on Sunday, but whenever I imagine the horrible results that could've came out if I were to want to go to Prague with my class, it gives me shivers. I still have no idea what the source of my illness was. Possibilities are overheat, period, bad food, but most likely some of them combined.

And I hope to go to Prague anyway this summer...I hope.

After further thinking I don't really want to waste my precious free summer time working. It'll come later... but as I still need money, I want to find my old Barbie and MyScene dolls, with which I played when I was a child, and sell them into new hands. Of course, cheaper than they formerly were and nicely re-styled. I'm thinking about a 50% discount on everything, as they're indeed really old, but I wouldn't call them ancient. I hope they're still quite wanted.

So yeah, this should conclude my report on latest events. My articles get rarer and rarer...

Anime Review - Maria Holic

Another anime that didn't appeal to me too well, sadly. This review has one honorable aspect though, it's the first review that isn't either a rewrite or a repost from MAL. I will write it smoother and not too held on the grid this time, while trying to mention all the important aspects, and list individual ratings seperately.

When I started with Maria Holic (excuse my inability to write a fxcking cross lol), I wanted to see some funny story with GL moments all over and a shocking surprise at the end. I got none of it, even though they intended it as a comedy. Many of the used jokes seemed quite cliché or unamusing to me, I grinned or laughed maybe like a few times, and nothing was excessive. Where we go now - There's no story to follow at all, it's just these jokes all over. I couldn't enjoy this anime too well. Not even the expected GL romance, aside from some of Kanako's fantasies. As for the characters, their personalities were unique enough, but predictable and sometimes annoying. Art was fine though, and the opening was pretty amazingly done, while the ending was quite catchy.

Rating sheet:
---------------
Story: 2/10
Art: 7/10
Sound: 8/10
Character: 5/10
Enjoyment: 3/10
-----------------
Overall>> 4/10

Not too enjoyable for my expectations, but well if you like pretty cliché humor, or simply this kind of humor, go for it.

Allen_Kanda's Journal #17 - How to handle tears and summer

Crying is not a sign of weakness or immaturity at all times. But my way of crying at times was weak, even though I don't cry that much. I was holding in tearjerker moments in animes, in songs, just to not seem stupid, yet I was crying in front of my mother when she made me feel sorry for everything. I was pitying myself and that's weak. It's a terribly selfish thing to do, crying over myself but not crying over other's unfortunate fates, even if it's just anime or fictional characters. I was still immature at the core, and I still think I am in some aspects, because one thing that my friend said is verifying its existence.  I will try to not cry anymore at these moments and cry rather at sad anime or sad songs, since that's a nicer thing to do.
And where I got to this? No, no one told me anything.
Remember why small children cry? They forexample hit their knee so it bleeds. If you look at it from the blunt point of view, it hurts. From a broader aspect, actually, they pity themselves because they have to endure such pain. "Why me?" They sure ask themselves. When their friend hurts his knee they never cry, even though they're sure the friend is in pain, as much as they might have experienced in the past. Well children are children, and it's okay for them since they're young.
At my age, though, it's a good choice to mature from that. Or you'll turn out like the people that are all selfish and desire money and nice stuff for themselves and themselves only, which means they never matured. Adolescence is the best age to start thinking more like an adult. It is never too late, but if you don't do it now, you could deal with a bad name later on. After all, adolescents still aren't adults, but it's the phase right before that.
On the other hand, be sure to enjoy your childhood! If you didn't reach the age of 15 yet, I personally even would say 16, it's fine to be a little more selfish and immature to the point it's not annoying. And you can't return to physically be a child, atleast not yet. (reincarnation or scientific progress might change these in the future...)

This day was killing me. At first I felt useless for the event held today, I thought there's nothing I could do and even the little I'd do I'd screw up majorly, but I was glad my class invited me to help out more and in the end I was glad I was able to help atleast a bit to ease my class' work. And I figured I am able to help more, with some graphics job maybe? Though the thing that let the final blow for me was the heat. Hot air is really hard to inhale. Took a nap for 30 minutes straight when I went home, not because I helped (as I said, that actually made me happy) but because the heat got to me.

I still like summer more than winter. Though when it's summer, you'd like a fast cold winter in the midst to cool down, and vice versa. That might probably be the reason why people want the opposite season during the most cold/hot season - it makes perfect sense.

Taishi feat. Aoki Lapis - Think the Future

Me being hipster and introducing Aoki Lapis into VCP
-Actual video starts at 3:00 if the annotations don't work.Yes I'm that easily confuseable-
Charts
x/3/6/x/x
BPM is C 128
Again, for download I reccomend waiting till VCP 10 release, but if you really desire...
Already noting that this release has mistakes and may be incompatible online with the VCP 10 release.
http://www.mediafire.com/?pz1wvc9271pyzq1 

Allen_Kanda's Journal #16 - Panic Attack

Take this lesson of mine and don't write emails at 6AM. Just don't, or you may just end up writing something terribly awkward from which you want to lock yourself in a locker for eternity... The whole Friday and most of Saturday I was like thunderstruck. Still haven't gotten a reply from the person though. Just... *poker face* ...let's hope all goes well....

...when did my domain get converted to .sk? I want to use .com :( Time to fiddle with the settings soon, hopefully it'll get solved. Atleast .com still redirects to my blog.

So I went to check until when can I use my pre-paid ticket. I realised I can still use it fine until 10th June, but then I just casually ran into a ticket control (one that did not ignore me). If I weren't to check my ticket, I would've surely had a panic attack so I'd jump out the window probably.

There is one video of my simfile I think I didn't share. A preview, originally meant for VCP 11 but with some sorcery, which is more unfortunate than fortunate because it involved disqualifying files, it managed to get into VCP 10. It had minor edits during alpha judging, so it may not exactly be as the preview says.

Then again, let me see what tomorrow gives me.

Allen_Kanda's Journal #15 - If boredom reaches acute levels...

The plan for today was a theathre show. Strangely enough, I messed up locations today. Went to the Slovak National Theatre while we had to go to Theatre Arena... Actually, I had no idea where Theatre Arena was, atleast now I know.

So I went to sit there, hoping there'd be atleast something exciting about the show. No, nothing, it bored me so much I slept in there - and I had enough sleep actually... I wasn't able to understand well what's going on. That show has made me a zombie...

Tomorrow I have to go to the zoo to Vienna - which I don't really want to do, since I have to wake up earlier and I come back later than usual ( comeback is said to be half past five ) , and aside from that I've been there a dozen times and it's all walking. Gosh why is it obligatory, can't we have anything else atleast? *Thinks how to persuade her mother to let her skip out* After that, I'll probably be doing the project for the rest of the day, the deadline is 1st June which is Friday.

I wish also good luck to my current favourite MMORPG, Megaten, as it went on emergency mainteanance yesterday and seems to still not have returned, atleast when I last checked. I doubt I'll have any time tomorrow, unless I actually manage to skip out the zoo.

Ah well I don't feel like solving that now, I'll try some stuff in the morning. I'll also try going off earlier today, as I pledged to myself two days ago.

One more thing, I got permission to go to a J-rock concert in Budapest in November, but I have no idea whether:
-I can still get a ticket
-My classmates can pick me up
-I'm actually welcome

I started to feel like butting in, but well I can't express my real intentions in real life as well as I can on the internet. Some things are more the benefit of online life, while some are of offline life.

So how will tomorrow turn out, I wonder?

Allen_Kanda's Journal #14 - Sources of Strength

Today I spent most of my time with people, and I felt really strong then. We worked in groups several times, no one isolated me from the group, and it made me happy. Guess I have a rough picture what was wrong at school till now, Sitting on a place and watching doesn't resolve anything. (Hi Yukki.) If you don't stand up and don't do your stuff, you won't achieve anything. However, you should remain careful and try not to pester. If you're unsure, ask.

Yeah I guess I'm still not a grave case. May I be getting frustrated over illusions...over nothing? Indeed, I spend too much time here on the PC, but then there are two possiblities - 1) I have a strong will to overcome my own burdens, or 2) I may spend much time here, however as long as I realise it, it's not an addiction. I wonder which it may be.

When it comes to will, you sure can raise it! If you feel incontent with something you carry on doing, like always sitting on the PC, not enough exercise, stuff... you can tell suddenly to yourself : "Alright, time to change that" If you go against the flow, believe me, things will change. :) And that's what life is about, no?

Okay enough life theories, time to do something... Maybe some anime will cut it today.

Note to self: Don't you dare to forget about the meetup on Saturday!

Allen_Kanda´s Journal #13 - Another attempt to break through

I get the feeling it's all getting worse on me. The clock of fate keeps ticking like crazy.

But most importantly - can I keep up with what I'm doing? I'm unsure about so many things, even about myself. I really want to quit it all and run and hide, atleast for a while. But at the same time I feel like things indeed are possible when you try, but it won't be easy.

It's so weird, these events of the past few months, I don't even know what the heck is going on with some people... and somethings...or whatever. I'm in the middle of chaos.

I'm scared of particles of the future, knowing that there are things that could happen and could destroy me in one go... How frustrating...

Fragile like a butterfly - that's how I currently feel...Yeah, I really hate that, means it's time to break that. I won't let myself become weak as hell, I've taken a path, I have people I really want to protect. I still am not down, despite stuff mocking me.

Time to take some time off the PC soon.
Note to self: Try your best to get off the PC earlier on your own free will.

Anime Review - Mirai Nikki

I must say, this was an very enjoyable anime. Despite lack of time because of school and many other things, everytime I sat behind the computer to watch Mirai Nikki I enjoyed my time. So if you like detective+psychological animes (yeah even though it's not labeled detective it had that feel), or just want some constant excitement, if you watch this anime, you're gonna have a good time.

Story - 10/10...Much a higher number.
One word: Fascinating. It goes at a good pace, it wasn't the usual thing you find everywhere in animes, not your usual good vs. evil. Sometimes you could tell that some of the opponents had good intentions actually, forexample when Keigo became the enemy to save his son. And sometimes you get the feeling the main protagonists are the evil ones. Nope, you ain't resting or getting anything run-of-the-mill. Enjoy.

Art - 9/10
Art may be the weakpoint of this anime. But well, even though it could be better, it wasn't the kawaii-desu you meet in several animes. The company tried hard drawing it well so 9/10

Sound - 10/10
OPs and EDs caught my music taste, and I even remember hearing a bit of one OST and still recalling it because it was awesome. Yup, gets full points from me. (Though Yuno's VA is slightly over the hat at times, but not to the extent it would be incredibly annoying)

Characters - 10/10
I like how the author worked with heavy psychologization. We could tell the character's personality, feelings, everything. There were no blurries, nothing half-assed spotted, how characters react while believing in something, and when they learn it's wrong. Well done!

Enjoyment - 10/10...Much a higher number. 
As I mentioned above, I never felt bored while watching Mirai Nikki. This might aswell be the first anime achieving that.

Overall - 10/10...Much a higher number. 
Favourited and I have no words left to say. I thought the animes I gave a reserve and favourited were awesome, but this extended them pretty much everything. 

Recommended to: People bored of animes that go really usual, people who enjoy psychological detective animes and/or people who want really wicked love stories

Allen_Kanda's Journal #12 - Eternal downtime

Well, my favourite game is heading towards it. It feels like an eternal downtime. Gosh, the servers are so unstable. It even got me so bored I wanted to play some Dragonica, until I realised that doesn´t work either for me anymore.

Let's see, yesterday it went down like twice. First I was doing Act 13 with a friend, then I was doing Celu silver with another and he got net issues. And the day before I was just fooling around in Nakano. Before that I had issues connecting into the game and two days before the area where I left my chara was down. I recall the server collapsing before and areas being down before.

Well, I'm gonna test for today.

Also, I'm thinking about quitting reviewing on MAL and keeping it only here. I have several very good reasons. I'll put my Mirai Nikki review here in the soon future and also my recommendation with properly marked spoilers - stuff

and the servers are working today...question is for how long and how well...

Allen_Kanda's Journal #11 - Subject to change

I'd feel awkward talking about it directly but I've admitted one of my severe flaws to my mother. It's one I had since my childhood and I'm repressing it. As I don't like talking about it, I'm not gonna write an article about it either, or atleast not now. I just hope for it to disappear soon.

I didn't go to school today. I'll go tomorrow. But yeah, one free day. I should study Chemistry, but I don't feel like that. Bet I can whip up something from that anyway.

I lost sense in school. I haven't told my mother yet. Everyone telling me to study...but for what? For money? I'm aware I know already what I need. I don't need that much stress... I'll try to let my mother know somehow by hints... I don't like how this world spins all over money.

Look at the stuff you eat. Especially if it's meat...The meat is from a slaughterhouse factory, not a farm. I saw a movie on Tuesday, the animals don't really feel the warmth of a mother much. They live their live on one sort of food, their feet are all covered in their fecals. And they're mass-dying and destined to die, just for it to be cheap. Well true, it may be different now, I haven't finished watching it. But it's still cruel. Vegetables isn't too safe either, it's all genetically overmodded to be cheap. A tomato is not even a real tomato. All is for money....

And we have no right to dominate nature, not to this way. What is money? Also made from paper, which is made from trees. And if we just hog more and more, we'll destroy all of the true future which is nature. All the food is nature. Most of the world's beauty is also nature. Destroying it like this is just how bad this world's higer-up people go - reaching safely to an end.

I'm tired of this... Several things just need several changes. It's possible...Anything is possible, if we REALLY want to.

Allen_Kanda's Journal #10 - Feelings VS. Facts

I wanted to type this yesterday, yet my mum started shouting at me so I went off the computer.

To start off - I did decent on my Physics test. However I had to do awesome, I get the feeling what I did there wasn't enough for getting a fine grade. But there's one test left, and if anything I can still fix this test. Let's hope I won't screw up this time. But if I were to get a D from Physics on the year end, I could aswell say goodbye to my holiday TwT . And history went bad. Like really bad, and I could get a C on year end. Then I went to the sushi restaurant in Eurovea. And there I lost my keys.

But do I consider my day as a bad one? Not at all.

Even at times others would envy me the factful events, I could still be depressed and sad. However, even at days where I get bad marks and all goes wrong, I can keep laughing and go like "it's all okay". It's just the kind of person I am - feeling-based. I won't say all people are like this, some will go and abide by the events of the day, be they small or big. And there are some that are affected by both.

Today I don't feel the bestest, but not too bad either - average. Although Slovakia beat Canada in Ice Hockey and I got an A from German which I thought I'd screw up...as the sole from the class. Yet I don't feel as in my skin as yesterday.

And as a last note, responding to the last article - This blog was meant to be a place where I can spill out my emotions. You don't have to worry if something I write here is a bit worrysome, but I tell I can manage. If I need help from you, I will PM you, so no need to worry about me because of my articles. It makes me feel bad for writing them...

I'm fine, walking towards a new day.

Allen_Kanda's Journal #09 - Boredom at School

 









dayum, using opera so I bet the formating will be totally screwed.
Not on my usual computer either, as I'm at school, I requested a code for one time use because I'm protecting my Google Account via mobile. SMS from a number abroad...Bet it will raise the bill RIP.

Today I'd really like to go on sushi, but I guess I have to consider instant pasta enough. Since we had seven lessons I will waste much time when I go today and possibly I could be forced to study when I go home.

Beside that, tomorrow on a online friend of mine will have her test season so she won't play SMT with me for some time...

God damnit! That just sounded so PC addicted. As for online friends, online relationships, online enemies, etc...all is fine! But lately I get the feeling it's just online life. Nothing in real life, nothing. I'm close to getting completely frustrated about it.

Lesson end. I'll head home. Now let's wait how long it takes until I get completely frustrated from this...or will I?

----

EDIT:
From home: I feel horribly frustrated today. I want to cry. I want to break things. I even consider dying in painful ways. But then...I´d feel even weaker as I feel now. I don´t have any online relationship (as in of love) at the moment, and my friends may understand it if I take a sudden leave from everything but... but....there´s not even a reason to fill in here! I need to hug someone that understands me, cry on his/her shoulder, complain about things that bother me, after that I´ll vent out my frustration and I´ll be fine. Fine to face the world strongly. Feeling restrained or feeling weak terribly frustrates me. If I´m not able to fight, not able to protect what´s dear to me...I can consider my life not worth living for.

If that were to happen, I plea someone to borrow me strength, until I gain some on my own.

HP 36/167 MP: 5/36  I still can fight, despite all. I have no idea what to think about some things and some people anymore. I have no idea whether at this point I can stand strong for long. But let´s hope. I guess soon it´s time for a "No PC for 24h day" where I won´t go online at all. If I fail to last that, then it´s bad. But I believe in my ability, in my will.

So, when will that day come...?

Allen_Kanda's Journal #08 - Distortions (Unholy morning time)

3 AM, don't expect too much brainpower.

As for a share of my thoughts of this moment, I'm thinking whether I'm not starting to get too selfish on the internet. Last thing I recall is thinking I'm pretty good at japanese when comparing my skills to people who know less. And now I re-readed my last review and some lines indeed seemed like I wanted to show off. Or did they?

I don't want to be like that. Not caring about others, just myself. True, it's healthy to care a bit about yourself, but not to the extent it's annoying. And in some parts of human relations, it's necessary. I think it's necessary in relationships of love, even if just for a bit. You won't find happiness if you just doubt in yourself and let others go ahead and not care about you at all. Also, it's always worth a try despite the obstacles. Sometimes it won't work out, sometimes it will. But who ever reached the goal by giving up to the start? Like in a sports race... Losers are winners too, whether they rank second, fifth, last, whatever...with time (and practice), they might rank first one day.

eh why am I saying this...3 AM, right.

Mhmm, didn't get myself to make some custard pudding today, despite I wanted to. Also the instant bolognese spaghetti changed and now they taste horrible. Do they recycle vomit into it? Its scent and taste today made me feel dizzy, and I felt like I could barf from it. Couldn't eat it at all...ugh.

So there we were, doing a dungeon, suspicing my spaghetti.

Productivity of today: One chart of Think the Future is done. 6 NPS Hard. And I have no freaking idea how to make more. I could probably do something with the vocals for medium and for easy, step the signature beat that defines the BPM. But lately I'm not a fan of vocal stepping. I have to lower the rate to define it well and then the song is all holds. And a song with a hard and easy chart would feel a bit odd indeed, I like it when charts stick to eachother.

Well, tomorrow it's Sunday, which means I have to study some! ...And we start with the fourth period!! Do I even need a alarm clock for that? 4th period starts 10:50 AM...well means I've to wake up around 9:30 AM which deserves an alarm clock I guess. Though I woke up at 8AM yesterday.

I think I don't even have to study at the moment, but a sneak peek on Physics would be fine.

Now for sleep.

Anime Review - Mars of Destruction

Can´t tell if this review is as bad as MAL´s community says, but I hope it´s not and they´re just trolling for the lulz... I was like CHALLENGE ACCEPTED when I saw a 19-minute long anime that´s considered worst on MAL. I didn´t consider it as bad...but yeah.

Here goes:

I bet this is supposed to be a parody on where anime is leading according to some people, or simply sci-fi anime. Could work for moe anime as well. As I am looking at it from every possible aspect, I found this anime just slightly below average.

Story - 3/10
The story could go out way better, if it wasn't up for parodyzing. The ones they implemented was really simplified, and the one they could implement at the end didn't get implemented at all. If I were to rework this anime, it could turn out awesomer and not taken as a parody. But eh.

Art - 6/10
It was OK, I've seen way worse. 2005.... I'd say 2002 or so, but ok. It was not too "kawaii desu" as I am lately getting tired of that style. I guess six points will cut it.

Sound - 2/10
...was there anything mentionable? No. But I've still heard worse things in my life.

Character - 2/10
No personality, whatosever, no deep feelings, nothing. Still better than School Days' characters which were just freaking dumb in all aspects. But I guess they were symbolic so yeah.

Enjoyment - 5/10
I took it as an parody, so I relatively enjoyed it. It wasn't too amusing though, so in the medium of bored and amused, so five points.

Overall - 4/10
They say this anime is the worst, but I've seen way worse for my tastebuds. Take my taste as wicked if you like. Note that I've handled this as a parody, I don't know whether it was intended to be like that, but it will forever stay a parody for me.

Reccomended for:  People who are tired of moe/sci-fi anime.  

Allen_Kanda's Journal #07 - Hello world!

Was a long time since I last wrote an article...oh wait, it wasn't really as long as I thought. Odd....Despite it's just 9th of May I feel like it's atleast the middle of it, if not end. What the hell's wrong with me? I might know it, but I never thought it's to this extent....and then I might've lived lying to myself in the past. I guess my brain and heart are both in the final stages of development...are they? Or will it still go on?

And especially...if it still goes on, will it ever finish? It might just be something endless again.

There are 4 things I verified to be endless:
*The universe
*Human stupidity
*Xer...err I mean someone's ego (really, I shouldn't use blogs for badmouthing, even despite having legit reasons.)
*Amount of weakpoints of Gakis. (Ice, Fire, Electric, Force...and it goes on lmao.)
And the list may extend, on and on~

Yesterday I finally socialized with my class. I just have been a quiet girl in the corner IRL. I still can't talk much with most people (lack of topics) outside the internet. There are exceptions though, mostly between otakus. I want to extend my own borders and feel like I totally belong once. Not like it's bothering me too much... I simply make most of my friends through the internet.

Open question: Does true strength lie in overcoming your borders and/or fighting for something you desire, without giving up?

As for today, I had such a lot to study I barely got a grasp of being here. I still am not finished, and I won't even bother... I will finish my studies at school and hope for the best, because I don't like to kill whole days over studies, as simple as that.

And I'm pretty mad on my Slovak/Social Studies teacher, because dating a 100-page reading and a test on the same day is really mean. Must be Gaian, they epicly cursed me today on Imagine. LAW haters....

History test didn't go as well as planned, thinking about re-taking the test verbally, since I wouldn't like ending up with a C on year-end. But Physics still sounds creepier. Studystudystudy!! >< aah I want a peaceful and calm holiday already :<

Allen_Kanda's Journal #06 - Energy Drain

I felt all right today. Right in the morning, ticket control. But guess what? He ignored me. The woman sitting next to me saw it and we laughed, despite not knowing each other or not exchanging words. Funny situation indeed. Then two tests, but I didn't BS any of them, atleast I hope so :P  No results from History, and rest was relax... Small matters about PE, but rest was relatively fine. When I came home I started stepping TSUBASA. Got done 51 seconds, they're paddable, and then a tiredness struck me down. I went to Imagine neverthless, but just now I became unable to play more.

And not a single anime was watched that day....

Wonder whether tomorrow the public pool will become possible, but I doubt it. Weather is too BS as of now.

Allen_Kanda's Journal #05 - Defense Break

The stronger you want to become, the weaker you feel..?

I'd say there are days where I feel freaking weak like breaking down, probably simply from natural reasons. (Post-Menstrual Syndrome?) And I completely hate it, it even makes my day ruined, which could turn out completely fine.

I have no energy at the moment, yet my mind fails to rest. I guess I should just lay down to sleep until I start thinking completely stupidly. While I´m still at my senses...

PS. I'm thinking about cutting off writing my reviews on MAL and just writing them here, as people never acknowledge them.

Allen_Kanda's Journal #04 - A day completely killed

Really. Get up, study, go on Imagine and that is all. Did I do anything productive today? No.... Well if I don't count expertising my first Demolition Dash skill. :P

It might be done by the heat. I've asked my mum to go to an aquapark this weekend if the weather keeps on being this hot and nice, so if all goes well I'll have an awesome Saturday. The water slide tower is open on weekends so I may enjoy it a lot. Might aswell try the slide I've never gathered my courage to go on haha xD

I hope all will go well tomorrow in school.

Now a video of a glitch I've experienced on SMT today.

My older simfiles

No individual downloads because they needed fixes and stuff mostly. I will link to the VCP they're in.
Will upload banners later.
VCP 7
1. Monochroact
1/4/7/8/11/(12 by ZipFile)
2. Secret
x/x/x/8/x
http://vocamania.net/topic/7362667/1/
VCP 8
3. IMITATION BLACK
2/x/8/9/11
4. Japanese Banquet Song (Hayashi Uta)
1/5/6/7/10/(9 by Merm :D)
Collab 1: Thumbsy, Allen_Nezumi, akstylish and me - Soar
Mine is Oni 14.
2/5/7/10/14
http://vocamania.net/topic/7375952/1/
VCP 9
Collab 2: Thumbsy, me - Tomoe
Mine are the hardest three
1/3/4/6/9 <-not sure about these, too lazy to check SM
Collab 3: Mirelle, Shizu, Allen_Nezumi, me, TheDerpus, Descension (Eze) - Anti the infinity holic
3/4/6/8/12/14 <-not sure either. modifications lol.
http://vocamania.net/topic/7388163/1/

Also got some files in Bleach Universe, maybe I'll edit that in later or something...
And that's about it from my personal history :P

Allen_Kanda's Journal #03 - Reunion

O hai.
Today (well actually yesterday but it's not really 1st May for me unless I go to sleep) I finally talked to an awesome person -friend of mine- I haven't talked to for ages~ So I'm perfectly happy. ^_^ Also, I didn't know I could talk straight for 3.5 hours without sending any pictures lol *Writes up in record book*
Got a school-free day tomorrow (TODAY...khsglgk fuck you clock) but I can't take breaks from studies yet. It's getting lately more and more serious - and the subject that scares me the most is Physics. I got a F today because of that dumb surprise test I didn't even give a fuck about. I really don't want to fail or D a class! It would be frustrating, humiliating, and my parents will be so mad I won't see the computer and possibly not even the outer light for two months of the summer holidays. TwT There's Physics on Wednesday, and it are these pesky Physical Exercises on the 0th lesson - That means waking up early and mass-filling in of what I lack. So not wanna do it, but I have no other choice. I have missed too much classes in the past two weeks (3 days of classes lmao yes that's considered too much) - missings I had to take, first was due to fevers and second was due to freaking period being painful. Now to check which exercises I have to fill in.
Also have to study History. I have no idea when I will be examined, it could be anytime, and when I'm the only one, I have no chance of evading it. I regret slacking so much in the past months. But oh well, only 3 days of school left this week. And next week might aswell be similar...with the difference of test from physics on Monday. :I Geography will also get its proper notes from me... Can't afford to BS more tests. Putting it as simple as that.

It's only 1 AM and I'm really tired already. No anime episode was watched today, thank you SMT: Imagine. :P

PS: Katakana is BS. Hiragana FTW. ;)

Simfile - Muryoku-P feat. Megurine Luka - Sacred Secret

A file I have stepped not too long ago, hopefully coming up in VCP 10. :) 

It's intended to be completely paddable and has 4 charts. 

1/2/3/7/x

The ratings are NPS. Hope you like it!

I suggest you to wait until VCP 10 release, but if any of you are dying to play it now...

the DL link is http://www.mediafire.com/?kqkxy1zbx5ndrx5

Some of my Stepmania gameplays....

I have some left unuploaded but this is what I have upped so far~
Not the bestest of player but eh...Decent?

Also a stepper :) You can see my files around in the VCPs...and maybe somewhere else? Not perfect in that aspect either. Expect some previews soon though.

Anime Review - Persona 4 the Animation

I will admit I haven't watched Trinity Soul to this point. I will watch it someday but I don't know whether it will affect my rating on this anime. I haven't played the game either, but I want to someday.

But now to the point...People usually expect animes based off video games to suck, since well it's better to play it than to watch it. True, but I haven't played the game yet. I haven't got any PlayStation 2 at home as of now. Though, I'm playing a persona-related game online called Shin Megami Tensei: Imagine and that had a positive effect on my rating for this anime. And so this anime made it to my favourites.

Now for the review.

Story 9/10
Beggining was a bit repetitive and slow-paced. But not the type that bored me to death, for a unknown reason it was pretty nice. Probably because I liked the unveiling of the characters' personalities. After the repetitiveness, the anime took up the puzzling aspect of a detective anime and when Naoto joined the team, all got totally complicated, so as the characters were resolving it, that amused me. Got 9 points out of 10 in the end.

Art 10/10
No flaws. The artstyle maked the characters look pretty mature, and how they looked like with glasses was lovely GJ

Sound 9/10
Nothing astonishing, but sound was quite catchy.

Character 10/10
YES! Advanced personality. Not all the unidentificable black and white, relatively mature way of thinking, even some unique kind of traits. I really liked the characters of this anime. Yu Narukami's personality amused me at times. GJ

Enjoyment 10/10
Combining touching episodes, investigation episodes, fighting, and simple slice of life episodes, adding a tad bit of good humour and gay jokes + SMT:I demon referrences, this anime really WAS enjoyable for me and I can't deduct any point from it. GJ

Overall 10/10
Favourited. Awesome!

Recommended for: All 'Imaginers' who enjoy what I named in enjoyment.