Since I'm tired of everything, and I don't want to live anymore, I wanted to put a flashback on my life on a visible point. I expect to kill myself off soon anyway, without that one significant person life's too painful to take. Also I'm procrastrinating from my english project, which is something I don't want to do... it's a pain in the ass topic too.
When I was just entering high school, since I was entering it sooner, I was leaving something I maybe didn't have to leave. I found friends at my old school, and I lost them the moment I left. I'm not in touch with any of them anymore, except one that wasn't close. It wasn't as lonely and as bad as I thought. When I invited everyone to my birthday party, everyone fell friendly. I still haven't figured out why but I was suddenly welcome.
In high school, I became rather the recluse to the start. But thanks to my kind classroom teacher I've gotten countless chances and just managed to socialize to a point I could've been accepted. I've been a terrible person the whole 1st and possibly 2nd class. I did many regrettable things I'm so sorry for. I also had my first crush on a boy, but I got laughed at as I walked near, and I gave up. I just come to realise he wasn't even worthy.
In 2nd grade I started blogging on blog.cz about anime and stuff, from which in 3rd grade I made a friend, which's closest friendship I destroyed in an incident. I wanted to quit blogging and anime at that point, I'm glad I didn't, it eventually brought me elsewhere. I gave up on guys, I tried going out with girls instead for a while, thinking I was bisexual, however I can't imagine myself doing anything of the lesbian activity. I did fall heavily for a girl once, but that might've been my confusal. And I'll talk about it later.
I first just tried in one holiday, I think it might've been transition to 5th grade already, to get quickly into a relationship because I didn't wanna be alone. I just hooked up with someone outta kindness. I lied terribly to my feelings. I was quite happy when one Tuesday I got a message regarding breakup. I said I also wanted. At that point I already long-since started roleplaying. My first roleplay standpoint was Maid-Gokudera. It turned out a fine roleplay, but when we developed actual relationships, it went just beyond the base roleplay thing for me. I wasn't cut for that, and I fell for my RP partner, nicknamed Mayumi. But she was heterosexual, and it turned out into suffering. One day I decided to clench my teeth and say goodbye to her, moving on.
After some time, I don't know the exact timeflow, I joined Vocamania. It was winter-spring 2011. I was recruited by a Polish pal from SMO on the forums themselves, it went like "shouldn't I already join?" "yes you definitely should!" It was a forum that indeed changed my life drastically.
I was still roleplaying at that point, with someone else. But what I felt this time might've been another lie to myself. I probably just felt jealous and I wanted to RP with her, and considered her my best friend and no one else's. I'm sensitive when it comes to this, I want friends I can be talking to when I walk around, not just a third wheel like I usually am.
But there was one person I really loved, yet it died sooner than it could initiate. It was a mutual love though. One guy that... I prefer to not talk to right now. I'm not gonna set names. He left though because of personal issues, I was sad thinking I'm never gonna see him again and lose myself. I could confess, yet I didn't. If I did, today could've been different, but not a today I wish for. That guy has similar issues than my father, I could've ended up as my mother did if I did that. He fell for another girl, my current best friend. I was able to let him go and my feelings died.
Eventually, I tried to promise that girl from roleplay some stuff, but then another breakdown occured.
2nd January 2012, the guy I currently loved and cared for the most, stronger than any of the other crushes.... I found out about his feelings to me. And many other events, but the result is all that just made me realise.... That I really loved him. I loved him, although for not such a long time at that point, but without realising and I did it well. The other guy, that former crush of mine, tried to stop me, yet I didn't. I wasn't able to let go such a great guy. I broke up my ties with all roleplay communities, I've thought about nothing else but him. I was hoping to be with him for long months, I was hoping for his comeback. Eventually...
30th April 2012, he messaged me on Skype. It was admin-related stuff. I managed to tell him none hate him on VM, I opened up the way to his comeback. We had a long talk, lasted like 4hours without breaks. Didn't even send pics to fill the space. It made me just love him more, seeing we could talk this long without any troubles. I was seeing him on a monthly basis, yet that was okay. I got his new email too.
He once told me he's thinking wishful thoughts about me, I hadn't had a clear picture of what he meant. But I was already okay with anything. I told him it's fine, then I realised I might've told something awkward.
Later he rejoined VM, everyone was smiling, although he wasn't too active at first.
Then I left for my vacation in Malta. Yes it's a very important aspect. I had some paid wifi there, it was weak yet I could talk to many people on Skype. I also saw him on Skype, we talked a few times, something that made me smile. Eventually, one guy that desired to become admin, yes it was my former crush, went to him. My current crush was the founder of VM, and since I loved him so much, and he deserved to know the truth of what happened that day, With that, there had to also come my confession.
10th August 2012, I told him everything. Ranging from the events my former crush told to many people, through what I know, to my feelings. He held a relationship impossible at first, I thought differently but I let it be, staying just friends. We enjoyed an awesome day, and it was the day I stayed up the longest in my life too.
12th-13th August 2012 overnight, a friendship was rendered more impossible than a relationship. It was either, relationship or goodbye, and as I loved him too much to say a goodbye, I went for the relationship. I talked to people for that and all seemed fine. We got together, finally!
Here starts the happiest time of my life.
I enjoyed talking to him on a daily basis, I enjoyed the happiness... The way he handled me I knew he knows me good, and we could totally relate to eachother due to some similar life experiences. Although tests said our personalities were different, I wouldn't say they were at all. Maybe views on life were.
When I was just entering high school, since I was entering it sooner, I was leaving something I maybe didn't have to leave. I found friends at my old school, and I lost them the moment I left. I'm not in touch with any of them anymore, except one that wasn't close. It wasn't as lonely and as bad as I thought. When I invited everyone to my birthday party, everyone fell friendly. I still haven't figured out why but I was suddenly welcome.
In high school, I became rather the recluse to the start. But thanks to my kind classroom teacher I've gotten countless chances and just managed to socialize to a point I could've been accepted. I've been a terrible person the whole 1st and possibly 2nd class. I did many regrettable things I'm so sorry for. I also had my first crush on a boy, but I got laughed at as I walked near, and I gave up. I just come to realise he wasn't even worthy.
In 2nd grade I started blogging on blog.cz about anime and stuff, from which in 3rd grade I made a friend, which's closest friendship I destroyed in an incident. I wanted to quit blogging and anime at that point, I'm glad I didn't, it eventually brought me elsewhere. I gave up on guys, I tried going out with girls instead for a while, thinking I was bisexual, however I can't imagine myself doing anything of the lesbian activity. I did fall heavily for a girl once, but that might've been my confusal. And I'll talk about it later.
I first just tried in one holiday, I think it might've been transition to 5th grade already, to get quickly into a relationship because I didn't wanna be alone. I just hooked up with someone outta kindness. I lied terribly to my feelings. I was quite happy when one Tuesday I got a message regarding breakup. I said I also wanted. At that point I already long-since started roleplaying. My first roleplay standpoint was Maid-Gokudera. It turned out a fine roleplay, but when we developed actual relationships, it went just beyond the base roleplay thing for me. I wasn't cut for that, and I fell for my RP partner, nicknamed Mayumi. But she was heterosexual, and it turned out into suffering. One day I decided to clench my teeth and say goodbye to her, moving on.
After some time, I don't know the exact timeflow, I joined Vocamania. It was winter-spring 2011. I was recruited by a Polish pal from SMO on the forums themselves, it went like "shouldn't I already join?" "yes you definitely should!" It was a forum that indeed changed my life drastically.
I was still roleplaying at that point, with someone else. But what I felt this time might've been another lie to myself. I probably just felt jealous and I wanted to RP with her, and considered her my best friend and no one else's. I'm sensitive when it comes to this, I want friends I can be talking to when I walk around, not just a third wheel like I usually am.
But there was one person I really loved, yet it died sooner than it could initiate. It was a mutual love though. One guy that... I prefer to not talk to right now. I'm not gonna set names. He left though because of personal issues, I was sad thinking I'm never gonna see him again and lose myself. I could confess, yet I didn't. If I did, today could've been different, but not a today I wish for. That guy has similar issues than my father, I could've ended up as my mother did if I did that. He fell for another girl, my current best friend. I was able to let him go and my feelings died.
Eventually, I tried to promise that girl from roleplay some stuff, but then another breakdown occured.
2nd January 2012, the guy I currently loved and cared for the most, stronger than any of the other crushes.... I found out about his feelings to me. And many other events, but the result is all that just made me realise.... That I really loved him. I loved him, although for not such a long time at that point, but without realising and I did it well. The other guy, that former crush of mine, tried to stop me, yet I didn't. I wasn't able to let go such a great guy. I broke up my ties with all roleplay communities, I've thought about nothing else but him. I was hoping to be with him for long months, I was hoping for his comeback. Eventually...
30th April 2012, he messaged me on Skype. It was admin-related stuff. I managed to tell him none hate him on VM, I opened up the way to his comeback. We had a long talk, lasted like 4hours without breaks. Didn't even send pics to fill the space. It made me just love him more, seeing we could talk this long without any troubles. I was seeing him on a monthly basis, yet that was okay. I got his new email too.
He once told me he's thinking wishful thoughts about me, I hadn't had a clear picture of what he meant. But I was already okay with anything. I told him it's fine, then I realised I might've told something awkward.
Later he rejoined VM, everyone was smiling, although he wasn't too active at first.
Then I left for my vacation in Malta. Yes it's a very important aspect. I had some paid wifi there, it was weak yet I could talk to many people on Skype. I also saw him on Skype, we talked a few times, something that made me smile. Eventually, one guy that desired to become admin, yes it was my former crush, went to him. My current crush was the founder of VM, and since I loved him so much, and he deserved to know the truth of what happened that day, With that, there had to also come my confession.
10th August 2012, I told him everything. Ranging from the events my former crush told to many people, through what I know, to my feelings. He held a relationship impossible at first, I thought differently but I let it be, staying just friends. We enjoyed an awesome day, and it was the day I stayed up the longest in my life too.
12th-13th August 2012 overnight, a friendship was rendered more impossible than a relationship. It was either, relationship or goodbye, and as I loved him too much to say a goodbye, I went for the relationship. I talked to people for that and all seemed fine. We got together, finally!
Here starts the happiest time of my life.
I enjoyed talking to him on a daily basis, I enjoyed the happiness... The way he handled me I knew he knows me good, and we could totally relate to eachother due to some similar life experiences. Although tests said our personalities were different, I wouldn't say they were at all. Maybe views on life were.
4th September 2012, one of the rare times I went on Skype in the morning. I clearly remembered our last conversation and went to school, all happy. I remember happily walking along the street, listening to Whiteout by Hatsune Miku, thinking I truly have a happy life. It was also the first day of studying at school for me. I wasn't too bothered, I just waited for it to end, so I could come home and later talk to him again.
But I just got involved in massive drama.
The end of summer holidays brought demise.
Since 4th September I haven't seen my lover again, I expected to see him though. Every day I was logging on Skype, I was hoping I'd meet him up again.
I was counting the days he was gone, thinking I'd eventually zero out the counter and talk to him. Even though I had to prepare for the worst.
Which I never took to heart.
4th October 2012, a month has passed since my lover's mysterious disappearance. Just one day ago I sent him my last heartfelt email. I was nearing to giving up all hope, I put it all in the mail. I snuck to facebook this marked day, just to find out...terrible news.
He's no longer alive.
I was just plain sad. I didn't think it REALLY was the case as I was afraid. Just...
Just why...
I realised 4th September was my last, truly happy day. And 4th October was the demise of all my happiness. I can't smile again. I can't feel happy about life again,
No one can replace his spot to such an extent, I come to realise...there's no point in living anymore. Anything else would eventually turn into a stereotype.
I keep asking why.
I keep begging God to tell me either this all to be a lie, or to kill me on the spot.
This world... I don't want it anymore.
But I just got involved in massive drama.
The end of summer holidays brought demise.
Since 4th September I haven't seen my lover again, I expected to see him though. Every day I was logging on Skype, I was hoping I'd meet him up again.
I was counting the days he was gone, thinking I'd eventually zero out the counter and talk to him. Even though I had to prepare for the worst.
Which I never took to heart.
4th October 2012, a month has passed since my lover's mysterious disappearance. Just one day ago I sent him my last heartfelt email. I was nearing to giving up all hope, I put it all in the mail. I snuck to facebook this marked day, just to find out...terrible news.
He's no longer alive.
I was just plain sad. I didn't think it REALLY was the case as I was afraid. Just...
Just why...
I realised 4th September was my last, truly happy day. And 4th October was the demise of all my happiness. I can't smile again. I can't feel happy about life again,
No one can replace his spot to such an extent, I come to realise...there's no point in living anymore. Anything else would eventually turn into a stereotype.
I keep asking why.
I keep begging God to tell me either this all to be a lie, or to kill me on the spot.
This world... I don't want it anymore.
