I've regained some sense into living, but it's nothing good. I still find this world surreal without him. It just isn't right like this. I swing from the mood when I'm relatively okay and think he might come back after all, or I'm actually the one lying right now in a hospital in a deep coma, and this is all a mere realistic illusion like my current dreams are, through the I should move on or do something wallbreaking to make our stay in heaven happier, to the depressive - he's not coming back, I can't do anything, life's going to suck just more and more and I should die. Usually I just relax on playing some games and completely escape from reality, but the fact that he's gone cannot be escaped upon. It just hurts.
Today on fifth period I got a severe headache. My brain nearly shut down there, on chemistry I was really sleepy in a strange way. The headache carried on echoing as I went for lunch. I had to eat something because my mom'll be away for the weekend and a few more days, and my father isn't a good cook, speaking of which I refuse to eat his food.
So I sat at the sushi bar, and then I heard that famous song, Angels by Morandi. I heard it in the morning in the bus too, and I started thinking it might be a subliminal message of sorts.
"People stop fighting
Angels are crying
We can be better
Love is the answer"
Today on fifth period I got a severe headache. My brain nearly shut down there, on chemistry I was really sleepy in a strange way. The headache carried on echoing as I went for lunch. I had to eat something because my mom'll be away for the weekend and a few more days, and my father isn't a good cook, speaking of which I refuse to eat his food.
So I sat at the sushi bar, and then I heard that famous song, Angels by Morandi. I heard it in the morning in the bus too, and I started thinking it might be a subliminal message of sorts.
"People stop fighting
Angels are crying
We can be better
Love is the answer"
Angels... He's an angel now, isn't he? Maybe he's really crying up there in that group. Maybe there IS a god, but he's powerless and can't do anything right now. And that's why the world's left so freely. I don't believe in fate, as I'm sure you can change your own life as you desire to if you really want. Things COULD have ended differently if I made different choices, I know. There are some I regret, and there are some that could keep him alive. Now that I look back, I see them and it frustrates me that I haven't done them.
But yeah, angels crying, the world needs love in my opinion. I've heard that that opinion is retarded, too, that emotions are unnecessary and make us weak, and we should just have fun, no love, no hatred, nothing. Such a world just feels like an endless routine for me, and I hate routines. What can you do if you don't love or hate anything? That would make people a bunch of even grey mass, no one's special, even if they were different personality-wise. Life would have no point, not like mine has any point right now.
Or it may... if my beloved's really crying in heaven/afterlife/something, and god is really powerless, I should maybe do something regarding the world situation. I don't know whether a commoner like me can do anything, but I definitely do disagree with how the world is looking like now.
Or something else may happen...
Or nothing at all...
Maybe they are right and emotions are a burden and there's not even an afterlife...
But I don't wanna believe that, such a thought is just frustrating.
At the very least, I think, people atleast reincarnate if nothing else. It's too hard to believe death is the end of everything. Then again these theories are hard to explain, nothing's proven and science is still too raw. And maybe something we may think is utter bullshit today may be true in a few years.
We're not that far from the history we came from
Anyway, the headache made me an illusion later today. There was some cute asian guy on the bus stop. I was just busy with my thoughts and fighting the resounding headache. Then I saw him and that thought just crossed my mind, you may call me a retard or bitchslap me right now, but WHAT IF IT IS SECRETLY MY BELOVED? I didn't get to meet him once, and I'm bad at determining real-life appearance from photos. Usually people look less pretty on photos than IRL, because many are unphotogenic. So I tried to stand next to him, looking around disoriented...Now here comes the strange part: I heard a voice say "Hey." I looked around and didn't see anything strange. Now that I recall, the asian might've been looking at me, but I DOUBT now it was my beloved, but my memories now became quite hazy. So then I went to the bus, I was peeking at that guy a few times but then I stopped, and nearly cried. I thought "WTF is my brain doing for drugs?" and travelled home. At home I was just so headached I layed down into bed and slept till recently.
Another thing that bothers me that some of my dreams seem as real as reality. This is getting weird indeed, especially that my real-life memories are getting hazy as well as the dream. Maybe I'm really in a coma and this is all an illusion...everything...
Maybe that's life... We're already dead somewhere... Which means we might be dead before that....Which means we never existed to begin with and we're having an illusion.
Can I become certain of it and make it a lucid dream? Can I revive him and be with him then?
The headache swiftly shouts a few notes of pain.
But yeah, angels crying, the world needs love in my opinion. I've heard that that opinion is retarded, too, that emotions are unnecessary and make us weak, and we should just have fun, no love, no hatred, nothing. Such a world just feels like an endless routine for me, and I hate routines. What can you do if you don't love or hate anything? That would make people a bunch of even grey mass, no one's special, even if they were different personality-wise. Life would have no point, not like mine has any point right now.
Or it may... if my beloved's really crying in heaven/afterlife/something, and god is really powerless, I should maybe do something regarding the world situation. I don't know whether a commoner like me can do anything, but I definitely do disagree with how the world is looking like now.
Or something else may happen...
Or nothing at all...
Maybe they are right and emotions are a burden and there's not even an afterlife...
But I don't wanna believe that, such a thought is just frustrating.
At the very least, I think, people atleast reincarnate if nothing else. It's too hard to believe death is the end of everything. Then again these theories are hard to explain, nothing's proven and science is still too raw. And maybe something we may think is utter bullshit today may be true in a few years.
We're not that far from the history we came from
Anyway, the headache made me an illusion later today. There was some cute asian guy on the bus stop. I was just busy with my thoughts and fighting the resounding headache. Then I saw him and that thought just crossed my mind, you may call me a retard or bitchslap me right now, but WHAT IF IT IS SECRETLY MY BELOVED? I didn't get to meet him once, and I'm bad at determining real-life appearance from photos. Usually people look less pretty on photos than IRL, because many are unphotogenic. So I tried to stand next to him, looking around disoriented...Now here comes the strange part: I heard a voice say "Hey." I looked around and didn't see anything strange. Now that I recall, the asian might've been looking at me, but I DOUBT now it was my beloved, but my memories now became quite hazy. So then I went to the bus, I was peeking at that guy a few times but then I stopped, and nearly cried. I thought "WTF is my brain doing for drugs?" and travelled home. At home I was just so headached I layed down into bed and slept till recently.
Another thing that bothers me that some of my dreams seem as real as reality. This is getting weird indeed, especially that my real-life memories are getting hazy as well as the dream. Maybe I'm really in a coma and this is all an illusion...everything...
Maybe that's life... We're already dead somewhere... Which means we might be dead before that....Which means we never existed to begin with and we're having an illusion.
Can I become certain of it and make it a lucid dream? Can I revive him and be with him then?
The headache swiftly shouts a few notes of pain.
No comments:
Post a Comment