Title is a quite a oxymoron. But it's really related to what I realise today.
It's been over half a year since my former boyfriend passed away. At this point, most of my feelings (of love) towards him are buried. I wouldn't say lost, but buried deep inside - I have moved on, afterall. He wouldn't like me mourning all the time anyway.
So I have been drawing a picture today, listening to a lovely song and trying to crack the lyrics. Suddenly I space out and start thinking - how would I handle the situation now? Considering him rather as a friend than a boyfriend, I realise, now I'd tell him to let the community side for a longer time, rather not contact me so much, and let in a complete recovery - just what his best friend suggested me! My eyes started to tear up, I wanted to facepalm so hard, all that was in the way were my feelings - nobody knew him well enough to tell beside his best friend and I had my dumb feelings in the way. The feelings that are buried now, we could be together later on, when he was okay already.
I can't even explain this. It's like I'm the cause of his life vanishing indeed. Or more like - not me, but the feelings I kept. While I had no bad intention whatosever - I believed that way was correct, I can't be taken as guilty. That explains the oxymoron well for today.
Sheesh - I hope his spirit's not lost forever as atheism claims. That would honestly make me feel horrible...
Time to headbang on something...
It's been over half a year since my former boyfriend passed away. At this point, most of my feelings (of love) towards him are buried. I wouldn't say lost, but buried deep inside - I have moved on, afterall. He wouldn't like me mourning all the time anyway.
So I have been drawing a picture today, listening to a lovely song and trying to crack the lyrics. Suddenly I space out and start thinking - how would I handle the situation now? Considering him rather as a friend than a boyfriend, I realise, now I'd tell him to let the community side for a longer time, rather not contact me so much, and let in a complete recovery - just what his best friend suggested me! My eyes started to tear up, I wanted to facepalm so hard, all that was in the way were my feelings - nobody knew him well enough to tell beside his best friend and I had my dumb feelings in the way. The feelings that are buried now, we could be together later on, when he was okay already.
I can't even explain this. It's like I'm the cause of his life vanishing indeed. Or more like - not me, but the feelings I kept. While I had no bad intention whatosever - I believed that way was correct, I can't be taken as guilty. That explains the oxymoron well for today.
Sheesh - I hope his spirit's not lost forever as atheism claims. That would honestly make me feel horrible...
Time to headbang on something...
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